the hiccoughing

thinking about you and just thinking about you

Amadeus — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:15:00 +0000

i’ve been sitting and listening to all these music and i realize you’re still there. i close my eyes and i see the open roads i’ve been on, the mountains, the lakes, the trees, the grass. the ocean. you’re alive and breathing and i’m here pretending you’re dead. dead because i can’t handle you. i can’t handle knowing. i can’t just continue to keep thinking about you and just thinking about you. i want to inhale the air you breathe and open my arms to your 9 o’clock sunsets.

all this time i’ve been thinking about aspects of you but without realizing that it is you. maybe i love you too much. but i just can’t just keep on thinking about you and just thinking about you. it hurts. i’m willing to just dive head on towards you and i know that isn’t smart but then i can’t think straight when i’m thinking about you.

you’re alive! alive! it’s like finding an old friend. i’ll find you soon and stay with you and soak up everything that is you. i’ve been promising soon and i really hope it will be. oh i really want it to be soon.

october, i know we can never keep each other but surely when we meet again that’s all that will matter at that moment.

love always,
amadeus

You’re the mark i’m aiming for. i was Yours.

Amadeus — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 06:56:00 +0000

i haven’t been reading my bible for quite a while now. seriously, honestly. 6am i started reading the bible. i closed my lights i opened the curtains and let the overcast skies light over me. my bible was bookmarked in genesis but i decided to read the gospel of john. i read about how Jesus called His disciples and how He called nathaniel. He said “i saw you while you were still under the fig tree before philipp called you.” i started crying after that. i bawled. and i just felt His Spirit over me and i just prayed and i didn’t know what to pray for and i prayed in the Spirit and i’ve never spoken in the Spirit like i’ve ever done.

i went to the computer and i went online expecting to see a specific friend. and she was online though away. and i just started to prophesy to her and tell things i feel God was impressing on me to tell her. i spoke to her about to continue dreaming and that surely she has desires and that it came from God and that she should never stop ceasing. “but those who live by the truth come into the light so, that i may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (john 3:21) and i told her to always seek for Truth and live for Truth. the only Truth. and surely as she steps into the light her desires will come to pass and all will see the goodness of God. i told her also that i God was saying to her what God said to jeremiah how He knew her before she was born and that she was called and not to think that she was young to be anything.

that’s not all that happened. she tells me that today is her birthday. that just threw me off the table. i just imagine the time that God has put upon us. imagine, of all the days to suddenly just speak to her (because i hardly catch her online and she lives in a different time zone.) but for everything to come into alignment from me catching her online and it being her birthday and me blessing her with a word. it’s just amazing.

i come into this morning experiencing God loves us so much. the grace that He has given us. imagine grace? i’ve been around the religion block and never ever have i found anywhere else grace. where a god would come down and die in place of mankind for the sins it has commited. a Holy God became who couldn’t have relation with an unholy being, He decided to come down to earth and die for us so that we can be in His Holiness.

i don’t know where else i want to be but sometimes i honestly get lost. but when you come back to Him or seek Him for the first time, He’s there. He’s there! and not just in the same room standing in a corner but His Spirit overflowing inside you if you let It.

imagine. my relationship with God for the past months have been shaky. but i decided to come forward and he came with open, open arms. i imagine God as the father of the prodigal son. that man ran towards his song when he saw him from the distance and hugged him even apart from everything he has done. God loves us so much that he runs towards us when we come home.

i’m in this moment. i want to soak it all up. God is so amazing i just don’t know how much i can tell you!

july 17, 2008

Amadeus — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 06:00:00 +0000

living, breathing, joy, broken, consistent, inconsistent. i am contradiction and amalgamation of everything. if could tell you what open arms mean to me in a sentence i would. it’s my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know. i was born this thursday, 22 years ago.

song for the moment

“let that be enough”
— switchfoot
“who i am hates who i’ve been” (acoustic)
— relient k
“your heart is an empty room”
— death cab for cutie
“love, where is your fire?”
— brooke fraser
“fool’s wisdom”
— phil wickham

note: jon foreman is just amazing. a lot of the song he’s written i’ve taken as my own, they’re my fightsongs. the song “let that be enough” fits perfectly for me also, from the meaning, to “i was born this thursday, 22 years ago.“

of mirrors, reflections and perspectives

Amadeus — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:05:00 +0000

my life is filled with fragmented time and space. it’s like a broken piece of mirror reflecting my face with a slightly different point of view, take a snapshot of that and try to put it all back together. it’s full of various eyes, mouth, nose, ears. i don’t think they will ever fit. everyday is such a battle for fragment claiming to be the only one.
each fragment holds so much. so much memory. so much joy. so much sadness. so much of everything. it feels like playing pretend with all those certain careers and lifestyles like playing house and doctor. the thing is it’s not really fun and it’s not really a game.
i know i should only be looking at one image and it’s none that i’ve made or what i perceive to be.
it’s all hard. i want to find you. sit down in the grass and let me lean on your shoulder and tell me that it’s okay.
who are you? who am i? where are we in all this?

i wish…

Amadeus — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:56:00 +0000

i’m currently watching the series “life as we know it”. the pilot was horrible and it was all about hormonal teenage boys but come around the second episode you find these three friends having each other’s back. it would be nice to have something like that.

i went to a party earlier and i met a girl and i haven’t had a mad crush on anyone in a long while but suddenly i couldn’t stop looking at her and wanting to keep talking to her. i got jealous when some other guy was talking to her. i know i’m a silly boy. i know i won’t do anything and i know i don’t have anything going for me and bottom line i know i don’t want anything. but i couldn’t stop thinking.

i whine too much about wanting to go away. i feel so much weight being where i am physically, emotionally, geographically and everything else in between. i don’t even know how to explain it.

i want to have some kind of map where the heck i am now in my life. i want to know how long i will need to be asking “are we there yet?” sometimes i feel like i’m driving down an endless road of wasteland wondering when the “disneyland, turn right” would be.

i want to stop being selfish. why can’t we just have an off button for it. i don’t like thinking too much. i don’t like caring too much. i don’t like feeling too much.

everything’s about heart and i don’t know where that is.

sometimes the world is confusing and i forget what is true.

Amadeus — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:21:00 +0000

i can anticipate the response that is coming: “i know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but i’m not. isn’t this also your experience?” yes. i’m full of myself—after all, i’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. what i don’t understand about myself is that i decide one way, but then i act another, doing things i absolutely despise. so if i can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

but i need something more! for if i know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, i obviously need help! i realize that i don’t have what it takes. i can will it, but i can’t do it. i decide to do good, but i don’t really do it; i decide not to do bad, but then i do it anyway. my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

it happens so regularly that it’s predictable. the moment i decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. i truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. parts of me covertly rebel, and just when i least expect it, they take charge.

i’ve tried everything and nothing helps. i’m at the end of my rope. is there no one who can do anything for me? isn’t that the real question?

the answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. he acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where i want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

romans 7:14-25, the message

sometimes i…

Amadeus — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:15:00 +0000

i.
sometimes i just want to get away. i want to go to some deserted beach, my back against the sand, my eyes closed while listening to the waves breaching shore. sometimes i don’t want to think, i don’t want to remember. sometimes i want to be a blank slate. sometimes i don’t want to care.

sometimes i don’t want to believe in sin. sometimes i don’t want to obey. sometimes i find that the life i choose is extremely hard. sometimes i am lazy. sometimes i just want to choose not to do anything. sometimes i choose not to be anything.

sometimes i don’t want to believe in God. i really don’t. there’s so much to do to, to choose, to avoid. sometimes i feel like everything is just a bunch of rules of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. sometimes i wish anything i did would be okay. sometimes i wish i can be complacent. sometimes i wish i can be nothing.

ii.
i cannot not believe in God. i experienced Jesus the first-hand. i’ve felt His Spirit and It dwells in me. how can i not? and no matter what i do whether i choose to believe in Him or not doesn’t affect the fact he is real.

the bible tells in one part how many couldn’t believe what Jesus was teaching and many chose to leave Him. He asked the twelve disciples if they wanted to leave also. peter had this answer: “…to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life.” (john 60:68)

why can i not not believe in God? where else would i go?

where else?

iii.
i choose You.
i choose everything that is You.
i choose where ever You will lead me.

iv.
the world behind me, the cross before me.
no turning back, no turning back.

…
part of truth thursday.

this is a hold up!

Amadeus — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:05:00 +0000

hello you! yes you! i have favor to ask of you. would you guys please check out my little project of a blog? just click on the link! if you like it bookmark it! i’ll try to update it daily!

the hold up.

today i carry…

Amadeus — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 01:52:00 +0000

i think of the days when the weather was cold and i would get off a block away from my house. the world was in whimsical glow, the air seems different, lights glowed. i would walk down the street with my hands perpendicular to my body and would walk down like some tightrope artist. i actually was thinking of flying but any unknown viewer would probably think tightrope.

i would stay outside my house and not leave the atmosphere that somehow has set in my surrounding. there was a tiny hope that the barometry would change and i would start to fly. it was definitely improbable and would defy laws of science but that tiny hope was like a candle in a dark room and i was filled by it. (flying! what an awfully big adventure. some people get all the fun.)

i hear the over passing of an aeroplane. it’s headlights, rays, were visible in the capricious moment. i look up. i pause. i stare in wonder.

i like the idea of aeroplanes flying. i don’t know if anyone has ever noticed but sometimes i grab an item, usually my phone or a pencil, and move it in the air. sometimes granduosly, sometimes very subtle, sometimes under the table. most parts my mouth would be slightly open, teeth closed and i would push the air out between my teeth.

sometimes i see a flock of birds flying and i think of the little prince and how he escaped asteroid b612.

i think if i could fly i’d spend my days following sunsets.

…
part of truth thursday.

my worries for today…

Amadeus — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:35:00 +0000

i’m scared that my being a third culture kid has more cons than pros for me. sometimes i feel that i will always feel like an outsider. that i will never fully relate to anyone. that no one will ever truly get me. i worry that i will never settle anywhere. that i will never feel accustomed to one place. that i will never feel at home. i hate the idea that when i tell people that that it’s all just perception and it’s a choice or a decision. it is, but it’s so much more than that. i’ve been living here in the philippines for almost six years and i can’t help but feel like i don’t belong. and i think of moving back to the united states and i can’t help that i feel like it’ll never be what it was to me before.

i’m scared that good-bye, chunky rice is some retelling of my future life. i’m scared of loosing people. and everyday i feel like it’s happening. more and more. for some reason you don’t do things with them anymore. you don’t see each other anymore. you go one way, he/she goes another way. meetings are of accidents and all are said are greetings and small talk. there will be “i miss you” and such but that’s all that it will ever will be. there’s the occasional hug but it’s just a mere remembrance of was before and nothing with hugging because you there is something with you two ahead. sometimes hugs are one way (if that is even possible). sometimes hugs are plastic. i haven’t had a real hug in a long long time and if i knew it was going to be i wish i never would have let go. roads split and you take one and i take one, we cannot avoid that but when our roads meet again why is it that i feel so lonely when i see you?

i’m scared that i will forever loose who i was before. not that change is not good nor am i holding onto something that i shouldn’t be holding onto. riding the train home once i saw a boy imagining shooting things with his fingers and doing all sorts of things imagining wars and battles. i wonder where that me went. everyday is a struggle to come back to the innocence to simplicity to knowing that you can be anything you want to be. the idea of freedom. the idea that all that is important is all that you decide it to be and nothing else. i don’t want to get caught up with what people thing. i don’t want to get caught up in money. i want to forever be an amateur. i don’t want to be a careerist. i want to always be passionate. in love. i want to always be honest but i don’t think people can take that, either i get hurt or they get hurt.

i want to tie myself on to some strings and catch hold of a flock of birds and fly away. get away from everyone and everything. sometimes it depresses me too much. sometimes i think too much of the lyrics “what are we if we’re not in love?” and “what are we if we’re not alone?”

don’t tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody.

…
part of truth thursday.