thinking about you and just thinking about you

i’ve been sitting and listening to all these music and i realize you’re still there. i close my eyes and i see the open roads i’ve been on, the mountains, the lakes, the trees, the grass. the ocean. you’re alive and breathing and i’m here pretending you’re dead. dead because i can’t handle you. i can’t handle knowing. i can’t just continue to keep thinking about you and just thinking about you. i want to inhale the air you breathe and open my arms to your 9 o’clock sunsets.

all this time i’ve been thinking about aspects of you but without realizing that it is you. maybe i love you too much. but i just can’t just keep on thinking about you and just thinking about you. it hurts. i’m willing to just dive head on towards you and i know that isn’t smart but then i can’t think straight when i’m thinking about you.

you’re alive! alive! it’s like finding an old friend. i’ll find you soon and stay with you and soak up everything that is you. i’ve been promising soon and i really hope it will be. oh i really want it to be soon.

october, i know we can never keep each other but surely when we meet again that’s all that will matter at that moment.

love always,
amadeus

You’re the mark i’m aiming for. i was Yours.

i haven’t been reading my bible for quite a while now. seriously, honestly. 6am i started reading the bible. i closed my lights i opened the curtains and let the overcast skies light over me. my bible was bookmarked in genesis but i decided to read the gospel of john. i read about how Jesus called His disciples and how He called nathaniel. He said “i saw you while you were still under the fig tree before philipp called you.” i started crying after that. i bawled. and i just felt His Spirit over me and i just prayed and i didn’t know what to pray for and i prayed in the Spirit and i’ve never spoken in the Spirit like i’ve ever done.

i went to the computer and i went online expecting to see a specific friend. and she was online though away. and i just started to prophesy to her and tell things i feel God was impressing on me to tell her. i spoke to her about to continue dreaming and that surely she has desires and that it came from God and that she should never stop ceasing. “but those who live by the truth come into the light so, that i may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (john 3:21) and i told her to always seek for Truth and live for Truth. the only Truth. and surely as she steps into the light her desires will come to pass and all will see the goodness of God. i told her also that i God was saying to her what God said to jeremiah how He knew her before she was born and that she was called and not to think that she was young to be anything.

that’s not all that happened. she tells me that today is her birthday. that just threw me off the table. i just imagine the time that God has put upon us. imagine, of all the days to suddenly just speak to her (because i hardly catch her online and she lives in a different time zone.) but for everything to come into alignment from me catching her online and it being her birthday and me blessing her with a word. it’s just amazing.

i come into this morning experiencing God loves us so much. the grace that He has given us. imagine grace? i’ve been around the religion block and never ever have i found anywhere else grace. where a god would come down and die in place of mankind for the sins it has commited. a Holy God became who couldn’t have relation with an unholy being, He decided to come down to earth and die for us so that we can be in His Holiness.

i don’t know where else i want to be but sometimes i honestly get lost. but when you come back to Him or seek Him for the first time, He’s there. He’s there! and not just in the same room standing in a corner but His Spirit overflowing inside you if you let It.

imagine. my relationship with God for the past months have been shaky. but i decided to come forward and he came with open, open arms. i imagine God as the father of the prodigal son. that man ran towards his song when he saw him from the distance and hugged him even apart from everything he has done. God loves us so much that he runs towards us when we come home.

i’m in this moment. i want to soak it all up. God is so amazing i just don’t know how much i can tell you!

july 17, 2008

living, breathing, joy, broken, consistent, inconsistent. i am contradiction and amalgamation of everything. if could tell you what open arms mean to me in a sentence i would. it’s my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know. i was born this thursday, 22 years ago.

---

song for the moment

1. “let that be enough”
   — switchfoot
2. “who i am hates who i’ve been” (acoustic)
   — relient k
3. “your heart is an empty room”
   — death cab for cutie
4. “love, where is your fire?”
   — brooke fraser
5. “fool’s wisdom”
   — phil wickham

note: jon foreman is just amazing. a lot of the song he’s written i’ve taken as my own, they’re my fightsongs. the song “let that be enough” fits perfectly for me also, from the meaning, to “i was born this thursday, 22 years ago.“

of mirrors, reflections and perspectives

1. my life is filled with fragmented time and space. it’s like a broken piece of mirror reflecting my face with a slightly different point of view, take a snapshot of that and try to put it all back together. it’s full of various eyes, mouth, nose, ears. i don’t think they will ever fit. everyday is such a battle for fragment claiming to be the only one.
2. each fragment holds so much. so much memory. so much joy. so much sadness. so much of everything. it feels like playing pretend with all those certain careers and lifestyles like playing house and doctor. the thing is it’s not really fun and it’s not really a game.
3. i know i should only be looking at one image and it’s none that i’ve made or what i perceive to be.
4. it’s all hard. i want to find you. sit down in the grass and let me lean on your shoulder and tell me that it’s okay.
5. who are you? who am i? where are we in all this?

i wish…

i’m currently watching the series “life as we know it”. the pilot was horrible and it was all about hormonal teenage boys but come around the second episode you find these three friends having each other’s back. it would be nice to have something like that.

i went to a party earlier and i met a girl and i haven’t had a mad crush on anyone in a long while but suddenly i couldn’t stop looking at her and wanting to keep talking to her. i got jealous when some other guy was talking to her. i know i’m a silly boy. i know i won’t do anything and i know i don’t have anything going for me and bottom line i know i don’t want anything. but i couldn’t stop thinking.

i whine too much about wanting to go away. i feel so much weight being where i am physically, emotionally, geographically and everything else in between. i don’t even know how to explain it.

i want to have some kind of map where the heck i am now in my life. i want to know how long i will need to be asking “are we there yet?” sometimes i feel like i’m driving down an endless road of wasteland wondering when the “disneyland, turn right” would be.

i want to stop being selfish. why can’t we just have an off button for it. i don’t like thinking too much. i don’t like caring too much. i don’t like feeling too much.

everything’s about heart and i don’t know where that is.

sometimes the world is confusing and i forget what is true.

i can anticipate the response that is coming: “i know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but i’m not. isn’t this also your experience?” yes. i’m full of myself—after all, i’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. what i don’t understand about myself is that i decide one way, but then i act another, doing things i absolutely despise. so if i can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

but i need something more! for if i know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, i obviously need help! i realize that i don’t have what it takes. i can will it, but i can’t do it. i decide to do good, but i don’t really do it; i decide not to do bad, but then i do it anyway. my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

it happens so regularly that it’s predictable. the moment i decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. i truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. parts of me covertly rebel, and just when i least expect it, they take charge.

i’ve tried everything and nothing helps. i’m at the end of my rope. is there no one who can do anything for me? isn’t that the real question?

the answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. he acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where i want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

romans 7:14-25, the message

sometimes i…

i.
sometimes i just want to get away. i want to go to some deserted beach, my back against the sand, my eyes closed while listening to the waves breaching shore. sometimes i don’t want to think, i don’t want to remember. sometimes i want to be a blank slate. sometimes i don’t want to care.

sometimes i don’t want to believe in sin. sometimes i don’t want to obey. sometimes i find that the life i choose is extremely hard. sometimes i am lazy. sometimes i just want to choose not to do anything. sometimes i choose not to be anything.

sometimes i don’t want to believe in God. i really don’t. there’s so much to do to, to choose, to avoid. sometimes i feel like everything is just a bunch of rules of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. sometimes i wish anything i did would be okay. sometimes i wish i can be complacent. sometimes i wish i can be nothing.

ii.
i cannot not believe in God. i experienced Jesus the first-hand. i’ve felt His Spirit and It dwells in me. how can i not? and no matter what i do whether i choose to believe in Him or not doesn’t affect the fact he is real.

the bible tells in one part how many couldn’t believe what Jesus was teaching and many chose to leave Him. He asked the twelve disciples if they wanted to leave also. peter had this answer: “…to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life.” (john 60:68)

why can i not not believe in God? where else would i go?

where else?

iii.
i choose You.
i choose everything that is You.
i choose where ever You will lead me.

iv.
the world behind me, the cross before me.
no turning back, no turning back.

…
part of truth thursday.

this is a hold up!

hello you! yes you! i have favor to ask of you. would you guys please check out my little project of a blog? just click on the link! if you like it bookmark it! i’ll try to update it daily!

the hold up.

today i carry…

i think of the days when the weather was cold and i would get off a block away from my house. the world was in whimsical glow, the air seems different, lights glowed. i would walk down the street with my hands perpendicular to my body and would walk down like some tightrope artist. i actually was thinking of flying but any unknown viewer would probably think tightrope.

i would stay outside my house and not leave the atmosphere that somehow has set in my surrounding. there was a tiny hope that the barometry would change and i would start to fly. it was definitely improbable and would defy laws of science but that tiny hope was like a candle in a dark room and i was filled by it. (flying! what an awfully big adventure. some people get all the fun.)

i hear the over passing of an aeroplane. it’s headlights, rays, were visible in the capricious moment. i look up. i pause. i stare in wonder.

i like the idea of aeroplanes flying. i don’t know if anyone has ever noticed but sometimes i grab an item, usually my phone or a pencil, and move it in the air. sometimes granduosly, sometimes very subtle, sometimes under the table. most parts my mouth would be slightly open, teeth closed and i would push the air out between my teeth.

sometimes i see a flock of birds flying and i think of the little prince and how he escaped asteroid b612.

i think if i could fly i’d spend my days following sunsets.

…
part of truth thursday.

my worries for today…

i’m scared that my being a third culture kid has more cons than pros for me. sometimes i feel that i will always feel like an outsider. that i will never fully relate to anyone. that no one will ever truly get me. i worry that i will never settle anywhere. that i will never feel accustomed to one place. that i will never feel at home. i hate the idea that when i tell people that that it’s all just perception and it’s a choice or a decision. it is, but it’s so much more than that. i’ve been living here in the philippines for almost six years and i can’t help but feel like i don’t belong. and i think of moving back to the united states and i can’t help that i feel like it’ll never be what it was to me before.

i’m scared that good-bye, chunky rice is some retelling of my future life. i’m scared of loosing people. and everyday i feel like it’s happening. more and more. for some reason you don’t do things with them anymore. you don’t see each other anymore. you go one way, he/she goes another way. meetings are of accidents and all are said are greetings and small talk. there will be “i miss you” and such but that’s all that it will ever will be. there’s the occasional hug but it’s just a mere remembrance of was before and nothing with hugging because you there is something with you two ahead. sometimes hugs are one way (if that is even possible). sometimes hugs are plastic. i haven’t had a real hug in a long long time and if i knew it was going to be i wish i never would have let go. roads split and you take one and i take one, we cannot avoid that but when our roads meet again why is it that i feel so lonely when i see you?

i’m scared that i will forever loose who i was before. not that change is not good nor am i holding onto something that i shouldn’t be holding onto. riding the train home once i saw a boy imagining shooting things with his fingers and doing all sorts of things imagining wars and battles. i wonder where that me went. everyday is a struggle to come back to the innocence to simplicity to knowing that you can be anything you want to be. the idea of freedom. the idea that all that is important is all that you decide it to be and nothing else. i don’t want to get caught up with what people thing. i don’t want to get caught up in money. i want to forever be an amateur. i don’t want to be a careerist. i want to always be passionate. in love. i want to always be honest but i don’t think people can take that, either i get hurt or they get hurt.

i want to tie myself on to some strings and catch hold of a flock of birds and fly away. get away from everyone and everything. sometimes it depresses me too much. sometimes i think too much of the lyrics “what are we if we’re not in love?” and “what are we if we’re not alone?”

don’t tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody.

…
part of truth thursday.

my body’s holding back…

i.
he’s unravelling. fingers extended, palms pressed, arms raised. slowly pieces fall. they crumble. unravelling, pieces fall and with all his might he tries to go on. there’s water on his ankles. it’s falling like water.

ii.
silly boy. he knows the person that speaks life. he’s heard it. he’s seen it. he’s experienced it. he knows his fingers are no match for those fingers, the same ones that wrote on the ground. those palms that took the weight of the world. those open, open arms.

boy, why do you dare hold back?

iii.
forgetfulness. disobedience. we are fools aren’t we all?

iv.
his arms are raised up, ready to touch the sky.

…
part of truth thursday.

truth thursday: my body is holding on to…

my body is holding on to home. the thought of home. the idea of home. the places you’ve gone and wish to go. which one is which? home is where your heart is… right? what if you don’t know where that is.

my body is holding on to gravity. no matter what i do, i cannot get rid of it. no matter how hard we try free ourselves. the sky will always fall. we will always fall. i will always fall.

my body is holding on to memories. memories of people, places, events. of past love, of purple mountains, of foolish things. something i think of how the cold wind stings the cheeks, the condensation of air when you breathe out, only being able to see in a three feet radius in thick fog.

my body is holding on to foolishness. the constant remind of. i know i am nothing on my own.

my body is holding on to open arms. to the open arms when held you know where your heart is. to open arms that when you fall it holds out to you. to open arms of acceptance, of houses, of circumstances. to open arms that reach out to you.

…
part of truth thursday.

i’ll be the first to leave

raya martin with flowers on top.
…

i’m thinking too much. i’ve been thinking of things i have loved and i am allowed to keep and i think of those things i cannot. i’m trying to look back these past years and thought of all the people i am not close to anymore and think of the people i’ve grown apart and people that wish i knew better. and when i think of all these things i think how irrelational i am. something i think of people i always see but do not really know and i wonder what they do and think when i see them sitting alone and walking down streets.

i think i am horrible in relationships. yes, i have friends but every time i feel like there is always gaping whole in the middle me and them and as much as there is communication and interaction there is that distance and i can never seem to cross it. maybe i expect too much. maybe i want to love in ways people don’t know, expect or understand. i don’t know. i don’t even know what i’m talking about because the things in my head are once again not in any form of language that can just be taken out and pasted. it’s really frustrating. i don’t even know. that’s all i can say. idon’tknowidon’tknowidon’tknow.

i tried making a list. i wanted to write about people. of everyone i know that has had some importance to me in these past few years but damn it depresses me just thinking about it and if that does what more will writing do. but i want to write it. i want to take it out. i want to ravage papers and write down every though and feeling. yes. no. yes. no. yes. no!

this is my biggest battle.

thoughts on an eventful sunday

April 7, 2008 by amadeus

steak night with old friends and new. had fun cooking. made mashed potatoes from scratch. called it guylovemashpotatoes because my friend micah and i made it with love! lots of laughter, lots of food. my official first time in alabang. i felt like i was in random city in the bay area. felt weird, familiar, happysad.

friends, friends, friends. i’m just happy i know these set of people. it’s funny how we’re all very different but that one thing the links us makes the very thing the most worthwhile.
…

earlier this day i sang from my heart. it wasn’t about having vocals or singing with precision and technique. i was just there singing to my God. i was wondering how a lot of art and music comes from wanting freedom from oppression or this knowledge you want to attain or this wanting to be. i think of how negro spiritual songs and expressionism and everything else are these raw things made by hurt and frustration and wanting and longing.

and i think of worship. i thought of my singing songs to my God. it is freedom. it’s this amazing raw thing that’s not built by hurt and frustration and wanting and longing for something to be. in worship i am where i need to be and all those things i look for is either met or does not matter at all. i am in peace, i am in freedom.

have you ever encountered God?

who are you? what are you? what will you become?

i wish i had a friend like lisa

April 6, 2008 by amadeus

i don’t know what to think. when i met my friend. it seemed like his voice was cold. he looked normal but it felt like he was frozen inside. i’ve been lacking sleep and i was in horrible shape. he said i didn’t look good. i didn’t. i was ready to pass out. i kind of wanted to talk to him casually but i don’t know. my mind was spinning and i wish i knew what he felt and thought. i tried inviting him to an exhibit of a friend of mine in school but i didn’t know if i can bring him in and my friend wasn’t answering her phone. i wanted him to stick around and see if he was okay even though i was ready to drop. i wanted to know how he is. i know that i’m okay now. i don’t know where he is in all of this. i wish my being indisposed didn’t come off as me ignoring him or offending.

so i we said our goodbyes and walked away without looking back.

lately i’ve been having two kinds of dreams…

March 26, 2008 by amadeus

the first one consists of me having an argument with various people (i know and not) and my voice would disappear but in the continuing dreams i start having the power to fight it from disapearing. usually i think i’m trying to stand up for myself or something i really truly believe it.

the other one is i find myself in a new location or an old one and i feel at home. i feel grounded, none of the rootlessness that i’ve felt all my life. i dream of people and the significance and symbol that they have in my life in making me see home. there were times i would dream within that dream thinking of the future in that reality.

wake up! don’t wake up! where will you find yourself?

looking down

March 25, 2008 by amadeus

if our hearts condemn us, we know God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

1 john 5:3

so this is the new year.

March 20, 2008 by amadeus

owel at death cab for cutie night ii at route 196.
…

 

the jeepney ride home

March 20, 2008 by amadeus

for the past two months i’ve been bothered and filled with sadness because of something that happened between a friend and me. at first i was sad because it’s the kind that you know will destroy a friendship but i was assured that wasn’t going to happen. but i was still sad. i think it was because no matter what you do, your friendship will probably just stay where it is. like we’ll only be in the 3 feet of the pool when there’s like 100 feet. i don’t know. it’s just sad because you know the friendship could be something bigger and better but it’s not going to happen anymore. that’s what made me sad the most. the whole time i just felt condemned and kept thinking what a stupid thing i’ve done. loosing a friend is really hard. i don’t have much of them. music for rocky dennis was made because of this.

as i rode home in a jeepney i thought about everything and at that moment i stopped. it was over. it felt like i didn’t care anymore but i was sure it wasn’t that. no condemnation, no feeling stupid. there was this idea of sadness but only an idea. peace is what it’s called, i think. i was just there sitting in the jeepney and i smiled. “left behind” was playing and i didn’t feel sad at all.

this part of my life is over. this past two months is about learning to surrender, to repent, to let go. i’m still in disbelief i’m over it. i’ve been trying to think about it but it’s just not happening.

the Lord saves.

dear you,

March 18, 2008 by amadeus

we’re going to make it.

music for rocky dennis

March 5, 2008 by amadeus

distributed among other things on my secret leap day project in which i secretly gave/passed/dropped little things to people residing/studying in manila. other things include cds from my collection, photos and letters.

go here to download.

i started a joke

March 4, 2008 by amadeus

…

i had a dream that the whole world hated me. i retreated to the sahara. i spent my night looking at the stars and hoping that i’ll meet the little prince. fears and insecurity. i was a monster.

i woke up feeling sad and that a percent of it is actually true.

i started a joke.

walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

March 3, 2008 by amadeus

i am in the season where i am hiding. my enemies are many and i go into retreat. finding shelter to the only one who saves. run and hide, these wounds are too deep.

retreat! defeat!
…

how long must i wrestle with my thoughts
     and every day have sorrow in my heart?
     how long will my enemy triumph over me?

look on me and answer, o LORD my God.
     give light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “i have overcome him,”
     and my foes will rejoice when i fall.

but i trust in your unfailing love;
     my heart rejoices in your salvation.
i will sing to the LORD,
     for he has been good to me.

the future’s so bright i gotta wear shades.

February 27, 2008 by amadeus

anj and bananie.
…

it’s time to get over, amadeus. tie up your shoelaces and start walking.

i’d rather be in tokyo, i’d rather listen to thin lizzy; oh and watch the sunday gang in harajuku. there’s something wrong with me, i’m a cuckoo.

left behind

February 26, 2008 by amadeus

my brother sam
…

i’ve been avoiding writing in this thing. i didn’t want to use this journal as an excuse to not talk to actual people about certain things. but honestly those times never do come and i’m in this rift that i want to take it all out of my head but moments never come with people and i dare not want to use this journal for the such. the such that i’ve done many times before.

i don’t know. i’m sick of private entries and friends only entries. lately i’ve just been hating the internet and whole supposed interconnectivity that it brings. sometimes when i talk to people online i feel like i’m talking in front of a brick wall. and i hate seeing friends only in photos. i’m talking about friends who are in different countries of course and it’s stupid for me to say that because someway we’re still connected but it still depresses me.

something else really bothering me now and i want to explain but i don’t know where to start.

sorry for being like this.
…

i think this is me for the moment.

quibs

February 24, 2008 by amadeus

 

angel and selena

February 21, 2008 by amadeus

 

forever young, i want to be forever young.

February 20, 2008 by amadeus

camille.
…

 

young folk anjel

February 19, 2008 by amadeus

(it’s pronounced with a y. sweden? sweden!)

so i’ve started using the russian again.

February 19, 2008 by amadeus

sherie and nimmy.
…

expect more photos as that written posts are rare these days. i use a fed5 rangefinder duly named “the russian”.

finally picked up the russian after a year (or more). i’m so bad at these things. he’s been with me for 3 years already.

(focus on a rangefinder is hard!)

i just woke up

January 17, 2008 by amadeus

woke up late. this is how i look like when i wake up (with blankets and all)! i feel like i want to hibernate. i’m going to be late for my first class. (it’s okay though, the professor is cool.)

i’m so tired. yesterday i played a mix of alexi murdoch, josé gonzález and the clientele as i went to sleep.

2007 i love you, but you’re bringing me down.

January 12, 2008 by amadeus

there are times i wish i can just go out of my house in the middle of the night and just take a long walk in some serene place. there are times i wish i had a secret open space where i can lie in the grass and feel the cold air of this season. i want to close my eyes and breathe. i want to stare in the vastness of the sky. i want to feel my chest rise as i breathe. i want to cry and feel it.

the world is such a place and i think of home and i wonder about home. i dream of seeing reality in the way it’s meant to be seen. in that deeper feeling. i can’t wait to see the bluest of blues. to taste the familiar and unlock the secret it holds. i want to see the blades of grass and see that it means more.

i want to lift up my hands and soak up the air. walk down the streets like an aeroplane arms perpendicular to my body. i want to see the stars.

…

i know my term isn’t over. this isn’t chapter one of the greatest story ever that no one has ever read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before. no this isn’t.

the life i live confuses me. thank God there is a “but”. in the end it will all make sense. i will put the puzzle peices together and i will say the most grateful thing.

home home home; i want to know You more.

better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere.

happysadhappysad

December 17, 2007 by amadeus

i’ve been unhappy for a while now. i’ll be a liar though if i said i wasn’t happy either. i mean life is not some oh-if-i’m-green-then-i’m-just-green. i am a commingle of things. it has sunk to me now though there is a such a root of unhappiness in me in the midst of the other roots that my body gathers from.

when i look around me and see people and the interconnectivity and relationships of people, i feel so different. i can bounce in and out of these circles but at the end of the day i know it’s not me. i know i’m different. i feel different. sometimes i feel like when i’m with a group of people i’m just there because i’m needed or it’s just nothing, if i’m there, i’m just there. i must not forget the people that just talk to me or what just to even things out like “oh, he’s here i shouldn’t make him uncomfortable but i don’t really care about him.”

i just can’t find sincerity in people these days. i really can’t. i haven’t seen one in maybe five years; or at least haven’t spent too long with a person that actually has some.

i like to be alone. i like to be because a lot of the time i’d rather stay away from the bullshit that people have to pull up because i can see past it and its just annoying. its tiring though. if they have to put up a face, i have to also. the feeling is horrible. i feel horrible. (and i hate acting stupid.)

i hate being selfish but i think all i can trust is myself.

i’m tired of school.

November 12, 2007 by amadeus

ever since i’ve taken the first of the three classes i will have for my culmination project i’ve been thinking what i will do after i graduate. a culmination project is basically kindof like a graduation project or a thesis in other courses and schools. school’s ending soon. i plan to graduate by the december of 2008. i’m looking at my course flowchart and i see i have three more terms left. i really can’t believe it. that’s basically nine more months of school.

what’s hard is being in multimedia arts is that it’s multimedia. everyone says it’s great (including me) but there are so many things being covered. there’s the foundational subjects from theories to history of art and design, 2d animation, 3d animation, computer aided design, digital film, web design, graphic design, photography and authoring programs. the classes are fun but we never do get to focus on a single thing. sure, there are electives but the school only gives up four slots plus a mandatory elective in any sound design electives. not to mention the almost two years of general subjects including the dreaded filipino subject which is not a language subject but like in the u.s. is like the english subject. it’s hard being that my filipino ( vocabulary, grammar and everything else) sucks.

i only did want a course on graphic design but that’s a course not available in the philippines. i’ve been looking at schools aboard but at the moment school isn’t what i want to do anymore.

i wish i doodled more, drew more, painted more, made a bunch of little stuff for myself. in a way i was complacent in everything i do. i did everything to my capabilities to get the best grade, heck i’ve been on the dean’s list for seven terms in a row, my whole stay in school… but i got too caught up in it. i got too focused in school work that i’ve completely forgot what i really wanted to do. i got too caught up in passing requirements. (ofcourse school is to blame also. i’m a little proud like that.)

so my season school is almost ending and my culmination project will be a graphic novel of stories of people’s crushes. i am collecting/writing stories right now. (tell me yours. if you do can i use it?) i suppose it’s my little kick at school. hopefully i’m gonna do something i like. i wish i did think of it long before and worked on it since long ago but sadly i just thought of it recently.

…
i plan to take spanish and french language classes and men’s tailoring when i’m done with school! paint! more comics? i want to travel europe! the world!

also, find the girl of my dreams on the subway and not have the guts to go up to her but when i do she leaves and later i decide to make a website asking if anyone has seen the girl of my dreams.

else the puck a liar call.

November 6, 2007 by amadeus

lord, what fools these mortals be!

puck, a midsummer night’s dream
william shakespeare

oh Lord, what fools we really are!

happy and sad thoughts

November 4, 2007 by amadeus

i remember reading shabanu: daughter of the wind in this moment. there was this part in the book where shabanu, the protagonist, was folding her beautiful happy thoughts and folding them and hiding them in her heart.

i remembered this because i am rummaging through my heart looking for them. i imagine my heart to be a bit of a mess like my room with clothes no longer folded but rather are on the floor and everywhere else because i have been looking at my (my no longer) folded happy thoughts more often.

i’ve been mistaken as a chump twice this week. i’ve been wondering if it is written on my forehead. can i really be mistaken for someone stupid, ignorant? i am hurt. it’s hard because i am in this position where i am trying to trust but the opposite is happening. once again i go back to “find out who my real friends are.”

…

i failed to mention was that i sang on stage, two thursdays ago. well i wasn’t standing up i was sitting down. but it was switchfoot night and i was sitting on the stage, the folks singing using my laptop to read lyrics. i was singing along and one of the guys gave me the microphone and i grabbed it and sang! i was really happy that night…

yesterday i went on a road trip with friends to tagaytay. six hours of wandering in tagaytay. firstly we went to sonya’s garden in which one of my friends will be getting married in january! it a was a sort of ocular, which included cheese hopia (which is not really hopia in my opinion). secondly we went at some random side-of-the-road, hole-in-the-wall restaurant and ordered bulalo (beef soup; commonly with marrow still in the beef bone; and vegetables). it was deliciously good, especially in a cold and windy place. lastly we went to t house tagaytay! we had tarragon tea and this delicious desert that i cannot remember the name of while in the midst of a keyboardist and flautist. the whole time we were in the car we played my impulsive mixcd which was titled “the imus tagaytay connection”. it’s the first time i’ve been stuck with people i loved on a roadtrip for a really long time.

…

so here i am trying to solve everything. in whatever situation i am, i am holding to something so much bigger and stronger than i am. happiness is not even a factor. happiness is just a feeling. i’m holding something so much bigger. i’m holding to the truth, the absolute truth. truth that’s actually not a fact, though it is, it is just an portion of it. it’s something so much more.

(someone said before that it’s faith and from what i’ve heard it can move mountains.)

i am twenty-one.

October 29, 2007 by amadeus

i’ve been pretty sad for a while. pretty sad with tiny happy moments. tiny happy moments like when i actually had a crew shooting a video; switchfoot night and singing on stage (voluntarily) with a mic; bouncing and flipping on a bungee trampoline. i try to hide sometimes, my sadness i mean. sometimes the seep out of my eyes when i look down or look across towards nowhere. i’ve been thinking too much trying to make sense of many things my mind battling with various thoughts and ideas and mindsets. i thought about love and selfishness and the idea of home. i’m really happy that the days lately are

today was a total letdown because i wasn’t invited to a certain thing but someone invited me and when i arrived i was told that i wasn’t included. i was contacted after i left and said that i can join. i lied and said i was already almost home. i decided to stay over at starbucks and supposedly study but all i did was end up reading perks of being a wallflower again. i don’t know what to think of the book anymore. i do love charlie and i wish he was real and i can talk to him. now that i understand the book more i am actually left more enigmatic. i think it is still my favorite book.

while reading and having ordered a venti green tea i remembered that i was already twenty-one. sometimes i forget that i’m twenty-one and when people ask my brain would instantly answer nineteen. i don’t have a problem with being twenty-one nor is it some kindof wanting to be young. it’s just that i forget sometimes. i think it’s because not a lot has changed since i was nineteen. but i think they are changing now. atleast i want it to change.

i am twenty-one. i will move on. i will love God, love myself, and find out who my real friends are. there are too many not-real friends. i think i have too much not-real friends. i think it’s one of the reasons i am sad.

i am twenty-one. change is gonna come.

mon éléphant

October 16, 2007 by amadeus

twenty-one. oh boy. so here we are in a new decade in our lives. a new decade where we transition in things faster than any decade we’ll probably go through. graduate, get a lasting job, boy-girl relationships (oh my!); and everything else from settling and unsettling, hiding and stashing away and/or unraveling.

we’re all over the place. you there. me here. i miss you a lot. it’s funny how in reality we’ve only met once. not to mention you actually driving so far away just to see me when i came back to california for a visit. it’s amazing the kinship i feel that i have with you. i don’t find much of that in people.

i greet you happy birthday mister jonathan crisman. i said before i wanted to travel the world with an elephant and you jokingly replied you’d be the elephant. maybe when we graduate we can actually go do it.

i honor the amazing person that you are.

love always,
amadeus

the world is amazing my friend.

September 26, 2007 by amadeus

“goodmorning,” i said.
“goodnight,” she said.

i love it when this happens.
it’s like time travelling and
digging holes to reach china.

i love you, i love you.

…
“the world is amazing that way.” she said.
“the world is amazing my friend.”

dear october,

September 24, 2007 by amadeus

you’re almost here, or atleast the title that comes with you. i’m writing you earlier now. i’m writing to you earlier because i’m scared that when you arrive that you will just be the latter of what was prior mentioned.

here i am. i’m trying to be where i am presently. the key is trying. deep within me i know you are gone, never to be seen in the aspect i have come to know, love and admire.

my mind is ever changing, changing for the better and i’m trying to grasp as to how and where you stand in this whole thing. i still don’t know. i still don’t know where you stand.

i’m starting to think that i’ve always been where i should be and that it was not i stuck in limbo but it is you that is. you are there because of the powers that be has put you there somehow for reasons of me. i’m really sorry if this is true. i don’t know yet. i can’t grasp it all.

everything is changing. changing, changing, changing. and even this very second i feel more and more that you are really gone.

i don’t know if i can say goodbye to you yet. i don’t know. i don’t think i can. but hey, like i said everything is changing.

maybe when you come back i will not recognize you, nor maybe you recognize me. but either way i believe that whoever we are and what we will be, we will be friends. we will be friends. maybe afterwards we will find of our hidden memories and the secret histories of us. but by then it wouldn’t matter. we would have started something new, something nothing but the present can matter.

maybe we have done all this before and we just don’t know it.

i don’t think i was ever yours but surely you were mine.

ouch.

September 11, 2007 by amadeus

so. this is how it feels. the feeling of seeing her holding his hands. ouch. it hurts… it really does. he’s a nice guy. i can’t say anything wrong from what i’ve seen and how we interacted. good guy i suppose.

i know it’s a secret. i know she doesn’t know i like her. (it’s not like i’ll do anything now if i did tell her.) i know there’s a time and place for everything and all the promises for the future. but still. still…

…
i just came home from the switchfoot concert. live in manila! it was extremely amazing and powerful. i loved it so much. i snuck to the mosh pit section and was like a foot away from jon foreman.

i was in two extremes but i know i’m being given grace to handle the first. the latter absolutely made me forget. switchfoot’s really amazing and i need to make a proper post for it. (soon.)

bringing back the oldschool amadeus drama

September 7, 2007 by amadeus

time and time i’d think i’m in this process of trust and same-level of understanding. time and time i’d find it’s not true. i don’t know why i go in circles. i feel ridiculous. i want to have a home. everyone’s so dysfunctional it’s ridiculous. everyone’s always trying to be the right or think that i’m trying to be the right.

i’m getting lonelier and lonelier. isolation whether voluntary or involuntary is the key.

this is sucking the life out of me.

…
to my friend’s out there. i love you. (you know who you are.)
good days or bad days. days end. i’ll be waiting for the sunrise.

it’s a long road we’ve been walking on.

August 17, 2007 by amadeus

just woke up. the rain is pouring outside caused by super typhoon “egay”. my mind lingers with the song “orange sky” and the movie garden state. sufjan stevens fits perfectly with the pouring of the rain.

breakdowns before sunrise. calling to the only name that saves.
in Your love, my salvation lies. in Your love, in Your love, in Your love.

(homehomehome.)

random things past midnight

August 2, 2007 by amadeus

i’ve always love getting things in the mail. balikbayan boxes, small packages, envelopes with bubble-wrap lining, letters, postcards. i think what i love about it the most is the idea of things travelling.

i finally got my bible from amazon.com via my auntie. this is a replacement to the one i accidentally left in a shopping cart at the grocery store. i’ve called the place if anyone returned it and followed up on it for months but it’s long gone. i just wondered who would steal a bible? (although, my bible does have a cool exterior.) i also got a plain pocket moleskine. both were way cheaper to buy in the u.s.! i had to buy it online because no more stocks at the local bookstores.

le godsister reminded me of a specific high school memory: phone calls. moreover, long evening calls with girls. to be honest though this is the closest thing i got to a boy-girl date. (because i honestly didn’t want to be in a relationship.) they were nevertheless long… oh my!

angel’s sweden party! i want to go to sweden now too! sweaters, swedish food and cookies! my swedish name was svensson and people kept recalling the janitor from the archie comics. party included a cat patronus who was a little too feeling.

i finished harry potter and the deathly hallows. one of the reasons why the heck i’m still awake because i should’ve been doing schoolwork.

i plan to graduate end of december next year. it’s so close i’m excited and nervous. wondering if my plans are going to work. i’m a bit annoyed of people who add “in theory” when i say my plan. it’s time to go autistic.

(yeah, this entry is due to procrastination.)

…

angel and me.

73938

July 30, 2007 by amadeus

…
i’m tired of school. i’m a bit behind. yesterday i slept all day. i read all day today. i really want to go away and not have to think of things to do.

i want to go to the beach while it’s the rainy season.

of silence and foundations

July 29, 2007 by amadeus

(let my home be like the home that is to come.)
your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

…
sometimes i get too tired of everything. impatience. angry. hateful. if i had to rely on my own sanity i would probably be insane or be dead already.

thank God i’m not found in myself. thank God i don’t have to rely on myself. thank God that it is in His peace i am holding onto.

i want to make this clear. i want you to know that what i’m writing is not some angst-whinning about wanting harmony, criticizing it without the constructive or any real solutions.

it’s all here. it’s all here. i want to make it clear. it’s Jesus.

i am found in Jesus. my foundation is in Him. my sanity is all that He is. He is the reason why i am still here.

i don’t know how to explain it. i really want to. and i want really you to understand. i hope you do. i really do.

…
when everything inside me looks like everything i hate, You are the hope i have for change, You are the only chance i’ll take.

when the world has fallen out from under me, i’ll be found in You, still standing. when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

a song for july seventeen

July 21, 2007 by amadeus

walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet; toward home, a land that i’ve never seen. i am changing; less and less asleep; made of different stuff than when i began. and i have sensed it all along; fast approaching is the day.

when the world has fallen out from under me, i’ll be found in You, still standing. when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

there’s distraction buzzing in my head saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay, but i’ve heard rumours of true reality, whispers of a well-lit way.

when the world has fallen out from under me, i’ll be found in You, still standing. when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

You make all things new… You make all things new… You make all things new… You make all things… You make all things…

when the world has fallen out from under me, i’ll be found in You, still standing. when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

when the world has fallen out from under me, i’ll be found in You, still standing. every fear and accusation under my feet. when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

when time and space are through, i’ll be found in You.

“shadowfeet“
by brooke fraser

…

will you come with me to the mountains? it will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. but will you come?

excerpt from the great divorce
by c. s. lewis

…
i am a vagabond, not a vagabond. i have a home but i’m not there yet. i need to make where i am now be like my home. i’ll continue to be a vagabond, not be a vagabond because it is not the perfect time. i am a vagabond, not a vagabond.

(let my home be like the home that is to come.)

july 17, 2007

July 18, 2007 by amadeus

i am twenty-one. i spent the last hours of the first day of the next decade of my life karaoke-ing with new zealanders and south africans.

…
i am a vagabond. i’m a wanderer, a tourist. one day i will have a home. one day i will be home.

yesterday’s.

June 27, 2007 by amadeus

yesterday was like a feather of a memory. my school days this trimester consist of me being in school from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. but i’m just at school for two days, it saves me commuting expenses. tuesdays consist of three hours of class in the morning and six hours at night. sleepless i walked the halls idlelessly staring at my school’s halls with glass for exterior walls. all of my classes also have curtain walls. with my mind slow, due to lack of sleep, i spent many minutes staring outside watching makati, manila and it’s bay while sitting in lectures.

i went extra early to school yesterday. i sat it my room staring out of makati’s towers. the smog hasn’t lifted yet and the sky was overcast. it was bright. glorious even.

late evening when the sun was nowhere to be seen the the world was cast in a light grey. something felt mystical about it.

after being awake ever since 9 a.m. last monday, tuesday night at 10 p.m. i finally got to go to sleep. it was good.

by the way, this is the building where i study now.

to be anywhere.

June 26, 2007 by amadeus

i’m pretty tired of where i am right now. it’s past 2 a.m. and i have homework due and a quiz to supposedly study for. i don’t want to be here. i’m tired of the people. i’m tired of the daily grid. the commute. the driving. speaking tagalog. i want to, be watching the ocean on an infinity pool; visit a buddhist temple in japan in the winter; sip tea as i watch the view from villa in umbria; see the grand canyon again.

by the end of next year i will be a graduate. i’m saving money to go to europe or somewhere, anywhere. i already have free mileage to go anywhere.

hey, guess what?

June 24, 2007 by amadeus

(so that didn’t work…)

tagged.

June 22, 2007 by amadeus

so i’ve been tagged. actually a while back. i’ve just been, honestly, lazy. this is from tepi and neens.

random things:
1.	i have a small-bump-thing at the back of my ears. my mom and brother sam also have them.
2.	my first favorite animal were zebras.
3.	i wanted to be a zookeeper when i was a kid so i can take care of zebras.
4.	my favorite animals now are tigers and elephants.
5.	i like spelling aeroplane, oliphaunts and outmanoeuvred.
6.	lately i’ve been liking my eggs poached and runny. (i usually prefer scrambled.)
7.	i’ve been to twenty-eight states out of fifty. twenty-six of them in three weeks. in a van.
happy thoughts:
1.	the juan sisters: tepi, neenja and sheri. ofcourse juanderboymarti also.
2.	ailene ponce, le godsister. i’ve known her since i can remember. bowl-esque haitcuts and all.
3.	jonathan crisman, mon éléfant. we will travel the world one day.
4.	nadja lumbang de ala. the cobangbang-lumbang connection. oh yes.
5.	soul music. need i say more?
6.	postcards from friends of different countries.
7.	the brave little toaster. (!!!)
8.	my imac diego and his sidekick hard drives isobel and jorge. and all the application love.
9.	finally found a plain zip-hoodie that fits me and bought it!
10.	knowing the truth that sets one free.

sublunar

June 10, 2007 by amadeus

lately the moon has been hanging low, wearing shades of yellow. i love it.

of comedy and wonders

June 10, 2007 by amadeus

it’s funny how you think you know so much. it’s funny how i’ve been around you so much. funny how i watch your tiny little gestures, your tiny faults, mistakes and misinformations. funny how i relay you “facts” and to be found wrong. funny how you’re so confident. funnier when your stories change. funnier when you claim them to be your own. funnier when you argue so hard to say you’re right when you’re not. funniest to think you know me more than i do.

sometimes wonder where the lines of being humble stand and i wonder when one is still humble when one acknowledges that one knows it. i wonder when i need to stop being quiet.

waking up is the hardest part

May 24, 2007 by amadeus

it hurts to dream of hope and love and not to wake up to any. the sky is overcast and i can hear subtle thunders past the often passings of aeroplanes above my house. i wish it would rain soon.

past midnight

May 12, 2007 by amadeus

past midnight i walked down a gated village looking up an almost starless sky forgetting whether it was saturn or jupiter that can be seen this time of year and if it was the same one i was looking at. (it was jupiter.) past midnight i rode a seesaw and wished it was higher. i missed the feeling of going to playgrounds and passing the time away. past midnight i rode the swings and i wish i knew that they were secure and that i can swing as hard as i can. i also wanted to jump but the guts i use to have as a kid have now seem to have disappeared altogether. (maybe this is growing up?) past midnight on the drive home we watched a crescent moon dimmed in a dark shade of orange hanging low in the sky. a girl was swooned to the point of tears.

lover, maybe i’ll find you in the foggiest of days

May 11, 2007 by amadeus

today is a grey day. i love grey days because it reminds me of so many things. the sky is overcast. the streets are wet, the grass is moist. i remember the time when i came early to school and the fog was thick. i could only see less than five feet from me. you were on the swings. quiet. feet shuffling. i sat next to you and just looked at you. you didn’t even look back. i just sat there and looked. i then start swinging. slow at first then fast. faster and faster and faster. i wanted to tell you, shout to you that maybe by swinging, swinging fast enough we can bend time and space. i didn’t. the cold air stings when i breathe in. but i think you knew i what i was thinking. and i think you knew that i knew that you knew. and you knew. i was sure.

then you started swinging. slow at first then fast. faster and faster and faster.

(in dreams, oceans are overwhelming.)

April 21, 2007 by amadeus

i have been avoiding things for too long. they do end up getting at me. everything i’ve been avoiding have been confronting me in my dreams. from friendships, to family relationships, to people i miss so much, the old streets i’ve walked on, to me feeling like a fish out water in this whole country i live in. i dream of everyone and everything and it’s too overwhelming for me. in the end it’s like a big symphony in which there is an emotional climax. i wake up from crying, falling, not being able to breathe, unable to move. too much. it is all too much.

i’m tired of it. tired of all of it. i miss things too much; i hope for things too much; i wish for things too much; i have faith on everyone and everything too much; i love too much. it hurts too much. that’s why i avoid it. it hurts. it really hurts.

hungrysoul

April 5, 2007 by amadeus

i’m feeling tired and ridiculous. i’m getting bothered with so many thoughts again it’s really becoming a burden. too many things i want to do. too many concerns. too many wants and hopes and visions and all that is with it is just the faith that it will happen. tired of waiting. tired of wanting. tired of hoping. my room’s a mess. i’m a mess.

it’s almost six in the morning and the birds are chirping.

hell week before holy week

April 1, 2007 by amadeus

two more weeks of school. i lack sleep. i have not went to my thursday class, saturday youth service, sunday service, weekend gimmicks. i have missed francis abraham’s photography workshop, acel’s gig in saguijo, and later neen’s graduation party. since wednesday, i have been sleeping at four o’clock in the early morning and waking up in the afternoon. prior to that i slept two hours earlier. i have two projects due this coming week. ridiculous being that my professors have told me that they were only due last week. and the thing is, i’ve been somewhat slacking because i thought i had holy week to work on them. i guess not.

i have a björk website due on monday. i have not done a single thing yet. the third track of my 2d animation class requires of me to make a 45-60 second animation due wednesday. i can say i’m halfway done.

last friday morning i kept waking up thinking fifteen minutes have passed but everytime i look at my mobile it tells me an hour has passed. am i seriously in need of sleep that an hour’s sleep for me is only fifteen minutes? hibernation is calling.

it says in my weather widgets that it is 34˚c (94˚f). speaking of which, now a proud owner of an imac. his name is deigo.

my mom is currently back in vallejo, california fixing a lot of our things. she tells me the weather is cold. she’s bringing back a lot of out stored items back here. i am envious.

i’ve been listening to a lot of relient k and sufjan stevens. (add me in last.fm!) i’ve been watching ugly betty and the wonder years to pass the time while heroes is on break. i had a crush on winnie cooper when i was younger.

here are some photos i took a long time ago hopefully to amuse you:

future of forestry

February 28, 2007 by amadeus

how will the legend of the age of trees
feel, when the last tree falls in england?
when the concrete spreads and the town conquers
the country’s heart; when contraceptive
tarmac’s laid where farm has faded,
tramline flows where slept a hamlet,
and shop-fronts, blazing without a stop from
dover to wrath, have glazed us over?
simplest tales will then bewilder
the questioning children, “what was a chestnut?
say what it means to climb a beanstalk,
tell me, grandfather, what an elm is.
what was autumn? they never taught us.”
then, told by teachers how once from mould
came growing creatures of lower nature
able to live and die, though neither
beast nor man, and around them wreathing
excellent clothing, breathing sunlight—
half understanding, their ill-acquainted
fancy will tint their wonder-paintings
—trees as men walking, wood-romances
of goblins stalking in silky green,
of milk-sheen froth upon the lace of hawthorn’s
collar, pallor in the face of birchgirl.
so shall a homeless time, though dimly
catch from afar (for soul is watchfull)
a sight of tree-delighted eden.

nat whilk
(c.s. lewis)

cold, cold mornings

February 1, 2007 by amadeus

it’s 6:00 in the morning and my eyes hurt and tears are falling; but that’s just because my eyes still want to be closed. the mornings are cold and i love wrapping myself in blankets. my room is a mess; full of papers, flyers, and free magazines because i always get even though i never read them. i don’t have a bed and the cushion is on the floor and it makes everything look more messy.

this morning i’m feeling insignificant; i feel marvelous. you know that feeling that you’re a tiny speck in the universe and yet you know there’s something bigger than the universe and He knows you by name? i always thought that that’s what feeling infinite is above everything else.

having a bad day, having a good day. yet in the end of it all, there’s that consistency. sometimes i’m filled with that reminder, sometimes i completely forget. i wish to always have the first; but there is also the joy in remembering after forgetting.

oh, my cold, cold heart.

so this is the new year.

January 5, 2007 by amadeus

changes are happening.
changes are going to happen.
God’s grace, God’s grace.

unphotographable

December 27, 2006 by amadeus

this is a photo i did not take of a jeepney barker calling people to ride the jeepney i was riding along meralco avenue and edsa avenue who looked pretty normal until you look down and notice that he is not standing the way people really stand, instead his feet are folded like how one can with hands when one closes it and when he his facing the other way you can see his toes upsidedown. he walks slowly and i forget how he was wearing slippers, but he was.

merry christmas.

67971

December 18, 2006 by amadeus

i’m scared. i’m so scared. i want to give my heart but i am so distrusting. i’ve been there. i’ve done that. letdowns. and i’m not even talking about “romantic” relationships. i just want real friendships with honesty and hugs. that is all.

paper cranes dying(unfolding)

December 4, 2006 by amadeus

tonight, i saw him walking down the street. he walked funny. i got off the jeepney and went after him. i asked him why he seemed like he was walking funny. he said his legs are tired and didn’t want to go home. i asked why.

he told me that because when he gets home he will need to go to sleep and need to get up again and recycle life again. again. again. again. again. again. again. again. again.

i wish i can take him home but i think in all honesty we’re both the same persons.

i want to be honest. i really do.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

December 2, 2006 by amadeus

life is too deep for words, so don’t try to describe it, just live it.

c. s. lewis

favorite things

December 2, 2006 by amadeus

cat power. chanson de chats. “be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. “if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that i was made for another world.” bear hugs. late night phone calls; no dialogues. midnight swerving-normal-fare bus rides. tracing constellations. us lying in bed staring at the ceiling. notebooks. new books. my “i am who i am”.

when i’m feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things; and then i don’t feel so bad.

ropha, rophe, rophi

November 26, 2006 by amadeus

i think, everyone,
in one way or another,
is sick; is suffering;
is in pain; hurt;
and that in the end,
everyone needs a Healer.

shoe mileage

November 17, 2006 by amadeus

tonight i walked certain parts of kalayaan avenue and j. p. rizal.
my shoes are getting a lot of mileage lately.

p.s.;
my hair is hideous. i don’t know what to do with it. suggestions?

going in circles

November 16, 2006 by amadeus

going home at night i always want to go home right away. i always go straight to the trains, then out, then to the terminals. last monday the lines were extremely long. andso instead of going to the terminals i go out to shaw boulevard where the jeeps are and where it’s actually illegal to. (like illegal means anything here in the philippines.) but to my surprise the streets are fixed now with lanes of fences so that jeeps cannot switch lanes and also people cannot cross. one would have to walk all the way to the stop light to try and get a ride.

this is such a long introduction as to what i want to say.

making it to the stop light i did not ride a jeep. i decided to just walk. the slightest given opportunity given to walk i take it. long lines at terminal; no available jeepneys. i texted my friend if he was home just a few blocks from where i was. no reply. so i decided to just walk around the area. i walked pretty much. i walked all the way to meralco avenue. people would say that’s far, but i never really do notice.

same thing happened today. well, i got lazy to walk to the terminal hoping to get a jeep already. no such luck. i decided to walk to the ortigas area which is just next to shaw. i saw rufo’s. i’ve never eaten there but people tell me it’s good. it has a bit of a feel of a diner. i read a portion of j.d. salinger’s “seymour”; it’s taking me forever to read it. i got my food. very good tocino (pineapple cured pork). after i walked around. i actually walked in circles. i found myself back at shaw boulevard ready to ride a jeepney home.

i’ve been feeling so tired lately, but i don’t want to go home. i’m so bored. i’m so lonely. me walking too much and me writing too much show these. i want to get out of the country.

christmas things

November 8, 2006 by amadeus

christmas in the philippines starts extremely early. when the months that end with ber come, things start to appear… i have been here for four years and i’m still not use to it and always get surprised. ofcourse that’s because we have two more big holidays celebrated prior to christmas (both of which i actually quite miss). one of the earliest i seem to notice is those morning talk shows countdowns for christmas appear. october, small establishments start playing christmas songs as their background music. while running laps at university of the philippines, diliman, a family having a day at the park in the center of the campus are playing christmas songs or the station they were listening to was. since halloween is becoming a bigger thing most decorations don’t appear until november. november, big establishments are decorated already. streets are filled with more vendors (a la roll out a banig/blanket with the weirdest products to sell in the streets). with all this i’m sure that we’ll still hang our lights in december. and…

christmas wishlist:
17in macbook pro
 +120gb(+) firewire external hardrive
black 80gb ipod
 +noise cancelling headphones
levi’s square-cut jeans
zip hoodies
 +grey, deep purple
blazers
 +dress and casual
cardigans
 +grey, black
plain shirts!
 +plains, stripes, jerseys
skinny ties
moleskine (poket)
 +unlined and quad
poketo wallet!
things in the mail!
 +postcards, letters, mixcds?!
 +non-sense

tsk! so materialistic! i try to make it (almost) realistic. one, being i don’t really get gifts; two, i personally need to buy my own clothes or sure that i will wear it; three, apple is so expensive! hmmm, not to mention my booklist but because of years of it being unfulfilled it’s just ridiculous to list.

i feel like this christmas will be a cycle of happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad-not-knowing-where-to-end-yet. but ofcourse that’s relational-wise, because in the end it is jesus’s birthday!

of random days

November 2, 2006 by amadeus

after taking a shower i let out a sigh and leaned my head on the wall. i looked up at the ceiling and the shower curtains before me. i’ve never seen it in this view or angle before. i don’t know why but it fascinated me. the afternoon diffused light shone on the curtains amazingly. i don’t know what was peculiar or special about it and i cannot pin-point as to why i feel like this but i stopped thinking about it and sighed again before going out.

i ran to the elevators. the train elevators are not my favorite elevators as all the train station elevators are very slow. but it was a random day and i decided to go through it. i stood in the middle of a small elevator and as i stared to the door the felt the elevator slowly moving. i remembered how elevators fascinated me when i was a kid; of how i loved the feeling of floating, or what i thought as floating. i remembered the many times i’ve always opted for the elevator if there was a chance for that specific moment.

i use to notice a lot of things. actually i still do, but not as vividly as before. i have questions that i know answers to that i wish i did not have and wishing i never had to question.

…
watched recently: clean, malèna, nuovo cinema paradiso.
watching tomorrow: la science des rêves! (finally!)
watching soon: cinemanila film festival!

who i am.

October 14, 2006 by amadeus

you know, these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. it’s not happiness or unhappiness, it’s either blessed or unblessed.

;bob dylan

blessed.

hello stranger,

October 13, 2006 by amadeus

i have spies you know, detectives; taking photographs of how you make the leaves turn into different sorts of colors. i miss how you’d make me breathe. the cold filling my lungs. the cold, the layers of clothing. remember that time you had the fog going? it was so magical walking at the courtyard of the school and i can only see things clearly five feet away from me. too many, too many thoughts, memories, feelings. it’s all racing in my mind and it’s that time again and i need to see you. find you and feel you and incept everything about you. it’s becoming worse and worse every year.

i’m scared. i am scared that i am in limbo and that the more i don’t find you the more it will take me. it disrupts my senses and to the core of who i am. i’m afraid that when (and if) i do see you i will no longer recognize you. when oh when will i find you? i am so tired. it’s been four years october. i have not been counting but now that i have i can’t believe it’s actually four.

you know i am yours.

+63

October 4, 2006 by amadeus

team manila shirt. not really a fan. i just like the purple.

monday frustration

October 3, 2006 by amadeus

i decided to cut class today.

i got out of my last class monday around six o’clock. i headed straight to the train station. the station had more than the usual people in it, with the continuous train cycle that only means one thing; the train is down. so i thought it over before entering deciding if i should wait for it or just take another mode of transportation. i bought some things at small mall conjoined with the station. coming back the train has come. and no one waiting on the station got to go in or well some, say like one. andso i decided to ride a jeepney going down taft avenue towards buendia. and to buendia ride a bus all the way to edsa avenue. the bus ride was long. an hour and so minutes. my head was hurting and i was in that place where you were inbetween sleep and being awake. it started raining close to where i was going to get off. really raining. as i got off the bus the water level was up to my ankles. it was pointless thinking i can tip-toe. my feet were soaked. and my back a bit being the replacement umbrella my mother gave me is like for a six year old. i bought socks at this the edsa central mall. (there are malls everywhere.) i bought food and decided to let the rain stop (as they always end quickly). (the grass jelly drink that i bought was gross by the way.) i went to the terminal where i ride to get home and the lines were extremely long. i hate long lines. i went to books for less to check out if there’s any worthy used books or magazines. i decided not to spend anything though finding old new yorkers and a fitzgerald book. the lines were still long and so i decided to go to shangri-la mall across from the terminal in hopes that there are cabs lined up. and it was the same thing. rows of people at the terminal lacking the vehicles in which they should hold. i stayed in starbucks. staring at the ceiling. i have no book. time check would probably be eight thirty. by nine o’clock i decided to buy hot chocolate. i was so tired already that i couldn’t even speak tagalog and the barista had to keep on asked me to repeat a few times because he couldn’t follow with the speed of my talk and accent. hot chocolate is always good. ten o’clock. i decided to see the cab terminal. the lines are long. i decided to walk to megamall. to see if there are any passing by. after trying to get a cab, who were to irritating by the way because cab drivers a always picky it’s the stupidest thing, an fx arrived with the sign pasig. i quickly rode in and it was filled pretty quickly and people ran towards racing who was to get the last seat. the woman sat next to me and said that many people were waiting/standing at the least an hour for transportation to come. the woman next to me was irritating also she’s one of those people who hate that their leg is touching other peoples legs so everytime i would not mind and it happens to hit her legs she gets all reflexive and try to scootch more to the side. i was thinking get a taxi if you’re not use to it and i remembered i’ve been trying to get a taxi and no such luck. so i arrived at the tricycle terminal. (yes, so many terminals and yes, my house is far.) and lo and behold it too has no tricycles and a long row of people. i did not check the time. the person behind me was smoking. i did eventually get home. i looked at the time and it was eleven thirty. i left school at six o’clock and i got home at eleven thirty. eleven thirty.

i decided to cut class. the whole time i was texting my mom and she didn’t even want to pick me up. she told me to be patient. how’s that for patience? i ignored her when i got home. i did not wake up until the afternoon. and i was still thinking if i should go to my six to nine class; while writing this up i decided not to. i hate public transportation. you can never count on them.

(wow, you’ve made it this far. i can’t believe you read this. even i did not read this over.)

addendum: i ended up going to my evening class. hah.

clouds everywhere. (even in places you don’t expect.)

September 18, 2006 by amadeus

while waiting at the train station the phone rang. it was my mother. i answered and talked to her. she asked me if i was out already and that she’s at a mall by the connecting train station. while i talk to her i stare out and the see the sky is burning. not literally ofcourse. there are numerous clouds. layers and layers of the stuff. behind it the lights of the manila sunset, glorious in it’s orange. the sky was on fire. i stared at the sky the whole train ride until i had to transfer trains.

sadness has been creeping into my heart. it covers it like gasoline oil. the next train ride i sat down and i wanted to scream. so many things, so many thoughts. my sorrows, weaknesses, and insecurities are teaming together. i closed my eyes like a kid thinking i can disappear. i almost missed my station. thank God i looked up and turned around. the train doors almost closed on me.

i walked out of the train with the fresh smell of rain. rain, oh rain. God, you always bring it at the right time.

“

and the Lord is saying to you, ‘continue to lift it up to me because I am in charge, and I will take charge‘ says the Lord… ‘don’t try to solve it on your own wisdom but cry out to me for I will give you wisdom…’

”

64069

September 17, 2006 by amadeus

(one day i shall own a dirigible and i shall be the pirate of the skies.)

old saturdays

August 26, 2006 by amadeus

i remember when saturdays were amazing days of nothing to do. i would wake up in the morning not having to rush to school and being able to eat a decent breakfast. the house would be cold and i’d be watching doug, pepper ann, recess, and other cartoons in my pajamas in our tiny kitchen. i love the times when waking up the skies would be overcast and it would be bright, but bearable to stare at. i loved how my old house to to be on a hill and we had nice sliding doors that lit the kitchen and how i could see a big portion of the sky. i loved how the light fell on my skin.

saturdays felt so different back then. they felt lighter. better. i don’t really know what it is about it. but i miss it.

reminders

August 26, 2006 by amadeus

“don’t you know that… you are not your own?”
what amazing words. words that i still am repeating right now.

procrasti nation

August 10, 2006 by amadeus

i’ve been a bit unmotivated in school lately. due to a series of events i’ve been kindof out of it. it being me and my feelings towards school.

this will be me complaining about school:

i’ve been avoiding my school work. specifically for my 2d animation class. because i suck at manual drawing. i can’t even keep the design of my characters consistent let alone a detailed panel of my story board. also our stories were limited by our teacher and now i’m stuck with a boring story. a story that i will need to continue for two more terms (or the rest of the year). that means i shall be, creating hundreds of panels that i will put together, color them, and put it all together and see them move on the telly.

this other class. sound design. the crapiest class i’ve ever been to. i’m sure it it would be a great class if the teacher would actually teach us something. he doesn’t know a thing. he gives us instructions what we’re suppose to do. and when it’s time to do them and we ask him how we’re going to do it. he doesn’t know what to do. like last week he tells us to record things on an analog recorder and then we’re suppose to rip them by connecting so-and-so to the computer and. so we do record the junk. and then… we’re suppose to rip it on to the computer. we try to but we don’t. and he doesn’t know what to do next. it’s just irritating. i know we should have a little knowledge already before getting into all my subjects in school. but i mean the teacher himself doesn’t even know. what more us, the students?

and there is this field trip. a day trip that has become a three day fieldtrip. it’s ridiculous. it’s not even for a major subject. sure, the place will be amazing. it’s just that it’s just taking too much of my time. not to mention it’s a ten hour bus ride. i can’t seem to get some peace with finals and some projects due the coming week. and due to circumstances, it’s too late to back out.

not to mention a lot of my teachers are breaking school policy by not giving us a syllabus for the given class. it extremely helps because it lays out what to expect and the breakdown of what we’re to do in each session.

i’ve been sleeping too much. dreaming again. like really dreaming. talk about wanting to escape responsibility. but ofcourse. with all this. i will still push through. i’m not in the dean’s list for the whole year for nothing.

“whatever i have, wherever i am, i can make it through anything in the One who makes me who i am.”

point a to point b

August 4, 2006 by amadeus

this morning. i went to your house. it was quite weird because i’ve never been to your new house yet i feel so comfortable in it. i went through the rooms with ease and i didn’t feel anxious like i do when i go to new houses. your sisters (my sisters) are still weird. almost grown-up but still weird. same talk, similar movements, similar jokes, same laughs, same laughs that only brothers could love. i can’t remember what we talked about or what we laughed about or what we ate. i just remember that they were all good. good times. like nothing passed. like i never left. like we never parted. i stayed in your room reading some books. and i looked over the window and i saw the ocean and the morning view and only now realized that your house is at the edge of the ocean and i said to myself “i should’ve brought my camera.”

i realized it’s all a dream. i was here. and you still there. and i was still wishing that words were like distances and those two sentences were what we were.

girl-boy conversation

July 29, 2006 by amadeus

“i operate on plutonium, that’s why.”
“can you also time travel?”
“yes.”

ants in my pants

July 29, 2006 by amadeus

i’ve been feel so restless in my house, school and everywhere else. i feel like i have so much energy and nowhere for it to go. last week i decided to walk from the train station all the way to my house. (it took me two hours. i quite loved it. i really wished that the philippines were more suited for walking.) i feel like i should going on a trek, running through mountains or at least hills, of backpacking in some country. the knocking of wandering, traveling and adventure in my brain is getting louder and louder. i feel like a kid that’s presented with a toy and telling me to just look at it and not play with it.

walk! run! skip! jump! sing! dance! run a camera and i’d probably have a musical!

when i am king.

July 17, 2006 by amadeus

17 july 1986

July 16, 2006 by amadeus

my friend just told me the time. i didn’t even notice it. in less than half an hour i’ll be turning twenty. (and in a year i can say i’ve lived for two decades). it is really weirding me out. this whole time i was thinking, evaluating, remembering things, all i could ever say was “if i did not know Jesus i’d probably be dead or in a mental institution.” i have so much short comings, lost expectations, low regardings for myself, broken promises and i don’t think i could’ve made it if that’s all i had. He completes me. i was reading an e.e. cummings poem that said this:

                                                             i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

so okay, the poem is for a lover but it’s kindof the same. He’s everything. (everything and everything that is true.) everything. He’s everything i lack, He fills my doubts, He takes away my fears, He gives me strength, hope, peace of mind, joy. you name it. i love Him.

oh. oh. oh. i still have so many mountains to climb and conquer. but down in the lowest of valleys even there He is.

aurora boulevard

July 12, 2006 by amadeus

You and me

July 12, 2006 by amadeus

let’s meet in a far away place.
past bustling cars. past camels.
past any civilization. past anyone.

maybe a mountain? maybe we can watch the sunrise together.
maybe an island? maybe we can watch the sun take a dip.
maybe the desert? maybe we can watch milkyway at night.
anywhere, actually. where it’s just You and me.
past people. past place. past nothing but You.

can You just take my hand and take me anywhere?
i’m dying to just be lost somewhere with You.
to forget everything. to abandon everything. to let go.

let’s go.

a few minutes ago

July 9, 2006 by amadeus

driving down streets fast. windows down. midnight after cold grey day. jazz-rock with the bass vibrating behind me.

je t’aime, je t’aime, je t’aime.

impossible things

June 20, 2006 by amadeus

everyone’s been leaving me out of everything. not telling me anything. one part of me says it’s okay. another part not. but besides that i have this want to just go away. i just really need to. from everyone. from everything. i want to get a pass to all the national parks and go on a roadtrip going clockwards over the whole united states. i miss the mountains, hills, lakes, rivers. waterfalls. i miss biking through forrests with a light drizzle. i want to have time to spend with the rain. i miss the milkyway.

fishbowls

May 18, 2006 by amadeus

there are people who can take out their thoughts like a man taking out a golden necklace from his pocket. i am not one of those people. sometimes i’m just so lost for words. i wish i can just take everything out so simple and elegantly and lay it down before me. my thoughts are like fish swimming non-stop with the mantra of “catch me if you can”. oh this fishbowl is not a big one, where do they run? where do they hide? why do you run? metaphors, that’s all i’m good at. i really can’t state anything literally. words, words, words. if there was some other way. i really need to get it out.

oh you tricky fishies.

singapura

May 16, 2006 by amadeus

so i’ve been in singapore for the past week.
nothing much. good foods. clean streets. rained a few.
wished there were better fitting clothes to my small self.
didn’t get to do somethings i wanted to do.
visit places i haven’t been to. that sucked.
i wish there was some international band coming the same time.
no luck. oh well.

pretty inspired with all the arts and design.
hopefully i’ll do something about that.

59748

April 23, 2006 by amadeus

all is not well. but the dream that all is is here. and i have my hope on that. mourning, grieving for your own heart is quite perplexing as that one wonders where does the grieving come from if not from the heart? hearts and wilderness. it’s some step.

i like to listen to singers who likes to whisper on microphones with quiet guitar strums. share, tell me something. i’m out of everything.

sundays are popular

March 6, 2006 by amadeus

it’s starting again. “i pause and repeat words again wondering if they actually make sense because sometimes words become meaningless to me.” were the words i used a long time ago. it’s not just even with words. it’s with everything. it’s like being lost in translation but beyond that… i’ve just been feeling that i understand the people around me and that that action is not being reciprocated. the word “lost” and the phrase “i don’t belong here” float to the surface.

wake up. wake up. wakeup! wondering when’s the day when everything will once again make sense.

heart operations

January 14, 2006 by amadeus

i went to the small restroom at a fastfood place. there’s a guy leaning over the sink. i stand in one of the wall toilets to do my business and i start hearing coughing and cough-puking. not from the sink but from the (only) stall. i finish my business. as i zip up the guy comes out, there’s actually two of them in the stall. they stand together with the guy on the sink. the boy, the one i suppose was puking, “whoo”-ed and said something like he can take more. these boys had tears in their eyes.

it’s funny how people hide. sometimes (they think) they can even hide in their words. i saw tears streaming down these boy’s eyes and they’re still ready to get loaded more.

it’s a battle for hearts out there. i wonder when we can actually win and take it all back.

on december and christmas

December 29, 2005 by amadeus

i can’t seem to write about anything. which usually means i’m pretty well off being that i just seem to write because of something negative trying to make itself positive.

so life as been well. i have my checklists and they’re all getting checked.

christmas was great. i got something i haven’t had in a while…

see you next year.

it’s not everyone. it’s the most decent of all pictures i could get.

December 5, 2005 by amadeus

30 november 2005

(i’ve been trying to have some written thing that would go with this picture but i can’t seem to say it here. that’s me in the middle by the way.)

the late evening…

November 27, 2005 by amadeus

i stood in the highest point of the building. i wanted to run towards the edge and jump. i really believed that at that moment i could fly.

i got home. i stared at the stars. there seemed to me more today. the air is cold. it’s almost christmas. i saw orion’s belt. sadly just orion’s belt nothing else of orion. almost two o’clock my phone says.

at sunset venus is visibly seen. it’s always a delight as the scales shift from sun to moon. it’s a ritual every saturday to see.

(i still wish that at this moment i believe that i could fly. even if i am just fooling myself.)

i know You’ll never let me go

November 17, 2005 by amadeus

i wanted to cry last night. i couldn’t. i’ve been feeling so empty. i know i had to do it. empty myself out. it hurts. but i’m doing it because i know something better is coming.

i’ve plotted out my unplottable thoughts (but i find it to impersonal on this journal to state). i’ve let go on to what i’m clinging onto and i’m hanging in the middle until i can grab onto what He is giving me. “gotta have faith… i gotta have faith…” i keep telling myself. i know i’m almost there. i’m so close…

newness is calling. can’t wait. can’t wait.

new skin

November 11, 2005 by amadeus

(not so) recently, i’ve gotten rid of a lot of things and things have been taken away from me. and now i’m lying bear wanting to feel something but there’s nothing. once again the haunting cycle is turning and is getting into my head. i cry to God “when? when?” i feel like my mind is once again one that is unknown to me, the rivers in my heart unsearched, conversations, hundreds of them talking, in some far away language that i don’t know. when? oh when?

i know the answers. “patience.”, “don’t worry it’ll come.”, “for i know the plans i have for you…”, et cetera. my body is just really itching because i’m not done getting rid of the old skin.

chocolate cakes

November 8, 2005 by amadeus

i want chocolate cake. incidentally, i do know where to get it and it’s around a ten minute drive from my house but i am now lazy to try and get it. i am sad and i’ve been listening to this song about running out west over and over and over. i think i want chocolate cake because i was suppose to drive a friend somewhere and it never did happen. i don’t have a best friend anymore. not that i think it was really one in the first place. life has just been on the constant cycle of renewing for me and i wonder when it will actually settle.

addendum: i bought! two yummy ones!

can i sing you to sleep?

November 6, 2005 by amadeus

last night i drowned in bossa nova.

i’ve been hoping for things to happen and things are happening that i didn’t hope for (and hoped some things never had to happen). life’s a bit silly looking at it that way. but there are plans upstairs and i can’t wait when i will be able to go to that office and open the desk drawer will all our plans.

i want to run out west not tell anybody. (don’t worry i think i will be alright.)

this has been a long year

October 27, 2005 by amadeus

a lot of things have been going on in my mind. and monday another big thing came upon me. i just really needed to talk to someone. so i had this insane idea to walk all the way to a friend’s house from the train station. i realized i hadn’t really walked for the longest time and how i missed walking. i made it to my friend’s house and i ended up sleeping over.

i woke up to a grey day. it’s raining now. i love rainy days, today’s a nice day.

it’s funny how i’m saying “this has been a long year” when it’s not done yet. one usually says it at the end. just comes to show you it has been long. october is fast ending, hopefully my problems will too.

till i see you

October 15, 2005 by amadeus

it was the best place to have a breakdown. i was there standing in the midst of my god, hungry and broken. i was in the right place being that my father was the real source, the only one i can go to. only he can fix me. only he can satisfy me. i cried out to him. no one will satisfy me, no one will fix me. no one but you. no one but you.

i offered my broken heart to him. it’s so ridiculous how i stray so far. answers are always in front of me. i’m stubborn. it’s in being human i suppose. pride that one can solve everything, and fix everything when the truth is you can’t. daring to step out of the spinning disk when in your center everything is calm. being human is funny.

i stood in the center. nothing else was around me. it was just me and my father.

“i will live a child in awe of you…“

magnificence

October 14, 2005 by amadeus

i’m still alive, don’t worry.
(oh there is so much more.)

my dear,

October 2, 2005 by amadeus

i don’t think i can stand where i am now for much longer. ideas of moving out to another country capture my mind and captivate it. i really can’t see myself fitting to where i am now. my mind reminds me of walks in the middle of the night barefoot on the side walk. the coldness of the atmosphere and the concrete on my feet is comforting. walking aimlessly and staring up to the milky way calls me. hello october, you’re still not here. (i’m still waiting for you you know.)

of hearts and wilderness

September 10, 2005 by amadeus

my heart aches where i am now. it’s a crossroad maybe. i don’t know. a destination. but not mine. i hungering to go somewhere and i believe it’s anywhere but here. it’s funny how my heart aches because i believe my heart is not with me right now. maybe it’s the connection between myself and my heart. pulse waves. it’s in the wilderness. i need to go to the wilderness. i know i will find my heart there. it’s there. it calls me. oh when will i go and find you? when will i go to search for you? a lion’s roar it calls.

freehand drawing

September 8, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been to analytical for the past months. i was to point fingers but i think that goes with being too analytical. yesterday i started drawing and i loved it and realized that i need to stop being analytical and go through the moments. i drew and time seemed non-existant. all i had was a pencil and pen and those eyes and the mysterious smile.

i’m getting tired of this journal. free hands. free drawing. a lot of other things need to be freed.

till we have faces

August 24, 2005 by amadeus

i ended my first book with the words no answer. i know now, lord, why you utter no answer. you are yourself the answer. before your face questions die away. what other answer would suffice? only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words. long did i hate you, long did i fear you. i might–

c. s. l.

you have eyes but you cannot see

August 23, 2005 by amadeus

the sound of the aeroplane passed by loudly under my house. the moon was orange yesterday and for a second i thought it was a plastic bag flying around above the street. the streetlights were orange. aeroplanes always pass by my house and sometimes in the pitch dark while walking home i would see an aeroplane with brightlights like its using it’s headlights for fog or rain. i scoff at my sky as i walk home, no stars today. atleast i don’t need to use any hands.

my mind aches of people. people who are up to no good, whether they know it or not. people who just can’t stop drama. drama, drama, drama. everyone wants to be on top, or something, or someone. somehow recognized. i’m tired of people trying to drag me into boxes. can’t people see there are no such boxes? useless to see there’s nothing there.

get a life. a life that can stand alone. you’re so insecure.

is it really possible for time to slow down?

August 11, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been pretty quiet lately. hundreds of little thoughts have been like those hundred little flying bugs on top of your head in the summer has been following me everywhere. i hardly catch them though. when i try to they just fly off and when i stop they go back. life has been simple. the weather’s been decently cold. i’ve been really hungering for good food. (spam musubi). what have you been up to?

broken i run to You

July 29, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been dreaming, wondering, pondering when it will happen. the desert isn’t the only one calling me anymore. it’s the mountain villages and those monasteries that seem to have been etched out of rocks. the skies. the wind. the grass. the horses.

i imagine talking to a boy. my age now. maybe younger. he’d ask me about the world outside his own. i wonder what wisdom i shall tell. if i do have any. i do hope.

i’m here dreaming of such things while in reality my passion for doing things now are all wrong. falling and falling into the trap. the well. the deep. the void. thinking i can fill my heart with such things. all things are useless without my first love. God, i’m so sorry.

there are days like i talk to myself like i’m another man. for indeed i am but i am the older and the newer tries to talk to me but i sure don’t listen. “o wretched man that i am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?”

parkinglots

July 28, 2005 by amadeus

somehow i’ll.

July 22, 2005 by amadeus

one day i’m going to write something good.

July 18, 2005 by amadeus

you don’t have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body.

experience: that most brutal of teachers. but you learn, my God do you learn.

i believe in God like i believe in the sun, not because i can see it, but because of it all things are seen.

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

i have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

c. s. lewis

little by little, one travels far.

all that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.

still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate.

what do you mean? do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether i want it or not; or that you feel good on this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?

j. r. r. tolkien

be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

you know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself in any direction you choose. you’re on your own. and you know what you know. you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

dr. seuss

nineteen

July 18, 2005 by amadeus

becoming nineteen had opened up a can of worms of thoughts. happy. sad. everything else in between. i think in my mind a lot of memories flashed before me and now i’m wondering how they will correlate to the future. nothing seemed to fit from point a to b, or they somehow fitted somewhere else where they’re not suppose to. i’m pretty lost now and waking up i have forgotten a majority of it all.

i just want to say God is amazing. without Him in my life i probably wouldn’t be where i am now. God just has this amazing thing of turning things around. it’s interesting that losing one’s life one actually gains it. it’s preposterous, the idea of surrendering your life to someone, but that’s where faith comes in.

thank God for the friends he’s given me, my spiritual family. i know my relationships are still seeds and i do get impatient wishing for more but thank God there’s even seeds there in the first place. thank God i have a bestfriend now, someone who wants to know all about me, and be accountable to me, and speak life to me, and to be just there. i’ve never really had a bestfriend before. thank God for all my other friends how i can actually talk to them about the things in my head and understand me and actually give me godly counsel. thank You that i have mentors that can guide me to the right places to go.

a lot of things are still uncertain. the road ahead is still unknown. who knows what discoveries i shall find. it truly is the journey that makes life because i already know where i’m going.

everything points to true north.

1986

July 17, 2005 by amadeus

two and a half years has passed since slipping into this new skin of a life. i still don’t know or understand all i want, all i need, or all i feel. more defined but still cannot be seen with keen eyes. i think i feel disappointed. i think i was expecting something. i don’t know what it is. i suppose it has something to do with friends. and how i wish more spoke life to me. people who not just think, or seem, or suppose, who i am or what i’m going through but people who know. and it’s hard starting at this point. it’s just hard.

a year has passed, life changes and it has changed for the good. i understand a lot of myself now, how i came to be to who i am now that i can somewhat understand what i want and need. i am and have been taking action.

(i’m going in circles and i’m saying things that don’t add up.)

God, you hold my life in your hands. You planned everything in my life. good plans. why do i feel so lonely right now?

i am nineteen.

i love my mom.

July 11, 2005 by amadeus

mother bought me a green sweater. (i like it a lot.)

miscalculations

July 9, 2005 by amadeus

hah! my assumptions of you were right. you know nothing of me. you think you do but you don’t. because you think i’m a child. by that, that means you know not even the first thing about of me. nothing. i feel stupid to think you would understand. i feel stupid that i told you lots of things and don’t get it. i don’t get it that you don’t get it. you just don’t get it. i doubt you never will.

preconceptions. conceptions. misconceptions. maybe that’s why we are different. because you never see people for who they really are.

secrets. xxx.
and i thought i needed help.

hah!

oh erosion would you break my heart again?

July 5, 2005 by amadeus

i woke up this morning to the smell of overcast clouds. i saw across my curtains the grey world outside. the wind was cold and i curled up in my blanket and hugged my pillow. the world is dark. the world is cold. the world is raining. it’s renewing my soul.

spirit fall like rain on my thirsty soul.

you should’ve come over

July 1, 2005 by amadeus

my first love. i have forgotten you. forgive me please.

(it’s july.)

July 1, 2005 by amadeus

i dreamed of you and me at the ocean. sunset, it seems like you sit on water. your body curved. sillhouted, you cup the sun between your hands. the oceans having it’s conversation with the winds. besides that there is nothing else. nothing else.

it’s interesting how i always find you in orange days.

the world outside

June 29, 2005 by amadeus

i entered my bus. the world outside became quiet. i sat in the second row. the lights in my bus were orange. the world outside is a bit blurry with the mineral build up in the windows. the lights glowed. after waiting for a certain amount of passengers we moved. only for a while. a bus, not my bus, was blocking the way. the world outside seemed like nothing except for the loudest of horns and inside it was the softest. i watched people walk in and out of placed like a silent movie. i saw the barkers of the buses trying to call people in like they’re convincing people to ride their bus. i don’t get that though. i mean people know where they are going, nobody needs to convince them. my bus drove fast. it is late already. i passed by large houses and large gates. cyclists pedaling fast. it’s almost ten o’clock. my bus is loud and the engine vibrated under me. the world outside was oblivious as i rode in my bus tonight.

people, people, people

June 26, 2005 by amadeus

worlds are spinning and i’ve never had a relational dysfunction like this ever in my life. walls fall and compromise occurs. compromises that never should have been made. the thoughts stay in my thoughts and it haunts me. my soul mourns. you haunt me, you haunt me, you haunt me.

dear sir. i love you. i’m so greatful for our friendship. but what has become of us? i wish everything was back to when everything was innocent.

and you. i can’t stand you. i just cannot jive with you. is it just really me? i’ve never ever wanted to run away from a certain person. the whole world before, yes. but a single person? never. i just don’t like being around you. i am so sorry. i don’t know how to tell you this in person.

keso, tsokolate, manga!

June 20, 2005 by amadeus

this is the third time the sorbetero has passed by our house. i can hear the bell he rings. my family loves his ice cream. pretty cheap too. too bad i’m too lazy to go downstairs and call him up. yesterday my auntie heard the bell ringing and franticly started yelling at the sorbetero to come back.

i always wonder about the lives of sorbeteros and ice cream men.

to lost bestfriends

June 18, 2005 by amadeus

i wonder how will react to each other seeing each of us face to face now and the last image we’ve had of each other was when we were eight-year-olds. i wonder what we will think. we realize the world is still this big place and it is still very confusing. there’s no more space for ghosts, and fairies, and white-ladies, and everything else we thought of, made believe, and was scared of. we realize that the world is way bigger than we expected and that georgia is not pink like it shows in the map. that our clay creatures will never come to life. all the images of things we did flash in our eyes. especially of make believe and playing house, or office, or where ever else we went to. (i even remembered when we played wresting and believed everything we saw). remember the time when we tried stealing goose eggs from the neighbor’s? where do we go to now?

i stood in silence looking at her sitting down. still. quiet. she knew what i was thinking. i knew that she knew. she knew that i knew that she knew. we’ve always did. but the only words that came out of our mouths were “hi”.

“dear sir, your heart smells like mint.” she said.

June 16, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been running away from you and you always found me somehow. now i know why.

for friends and fools (and friends that are fools)

June 9, 2005 by amadeus

dear friend,

     i took this picture the time i visited you at that place. i don’t know why i didn’t show you this before because i thought you would’ve liked it especially of your situation those few days. i don’t know. nothing’s too late i suppose. (i hope.)

love always,
amadeus

ps;
we need to make a french french of ourselves before the time gets out of here. i miss you too, fool.

the new red

June 4, 2005 by amadeus

(someone said the red wall got played out.)

of planes and goodbyes

June 3, 2005 by amadeus

we dropped you off at the airport. we had this whole big crying scene. ofcourse we should, we won’t see you for a long time. everyone cried or tried not to cry. we watched you enter the gates. we went down to the parking lot. ems was sobbing really loud. mon was really quiet. we sat in the car for a few seconds. it was quiet. it felt like eternity. we drove out into the road. joey opened the radio and the song “kokomo” came on.

i wish i knew more of you, either way, you know i love you.

oh you haunt me.

May 31, 2005 by amadeus

i wish i could find something like this here…

days have been weird. last night was a cold one.

it’s interesting. i (officially) have a bestfriend now.

when elephants dance

May 25, 2005 by amadeus

watch and learn.

in changi airport

May 12, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been staying in singapore for a week. it was simple but i loved it. first time to travel alone. i loved how buses and trains are only a tap of a card and how the air smells good and the drivers drive on the right side of the dashboard and how it feels like we’re going to hit the curb because i’m not use to sitting in the back seat of a right-sided car. i got to eat stingrays and eat lots of chicken curry (and vegetables!) and i wandered a lot of streets. i walked the streets of chinatown eating fat prawn dumplings and fed my art heart by wandering around galleries and museums. i got to see andy warhol’s work in person. i went to ikea and bought a teddy bear and a small dog plushie.

yesterday i almost had to choose schools. i already knew what i wanted but i had the fear because what my parents had in mind was different. i had to courage to talk to my dad about it and said what i thought on the whole situation. i’m still a bit scared though.

i completely forgot to ask for people for addresses so i can send post cards. sorry.

i like singapore.
(except for the stinky people in the trains.)

38275

May 7, 2005 by amadeus

oh five oh five oh five
brings me to singapura.
i brought the rains.
i don’t know how to stop it.

(next time i promise not
to play with the weather.)

confessions and of lost people

May 2, 2005 by amadeus

i had a dream where we were meeting at the airport. the lights were orange in the softest tone. thousands of people were walking around. i was kindof nervous. searching for you. i know you and i bet you already found me and watching me. watching my every move and my every little awkward movement and the way i’m get a bit worried in times like these. in the end i know i’ll see you and we’ll stand far apart and we’ll just stare at each other. you’ll have the grin on your face. and i always have the face of disbelief. and i love it. right now i can’t find you and i’m getting nervous that maybe this time that moment will never happen.

awol

April 2, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been feeling empty. not really sure what exactly is lacking but something sure is missing. i went through the whole week not riding the train home with anyone. it’s the weirdest feeling since i am quite used to going home and being with someone now. i haven’t had a real conversation in a while. i’ve been with people and there is laughter and jokes and everything else but something feels misplaced. maybe i am the one that lost something. either way, i feel like i can’t face anyone until the missing is back.

i just want to go absent-with-out-leave and run away to another country. people told me i would go to far away places. i kindof wish that that would happen now.

sorry, there are no emergency exits on this flight.

March 27, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve wasted time this whole week. not that i really wanted to use my time on the things i’m mandated to do. i really want to call on defeat. trust me i really want to, but i cannot.

i want to leave…

dear elephant,

March 14, 2005 by amadeus

a humongous house now looms in front of ours.
i no longer have a view of the sky and of sunsets.

trying to make sense

March 13, 2005 by amadeus

school is eating me and i feel like i’m not really learning anything of any value. i’m at lost right now because transitions will be made and things will be lost and i hate it because everything i did that was useless will ultimately be useless. i’ve wasted six months. ofcourse there is another side to it as like building new relationships and i love that because i’ve been dying to have good relationships. but besides that i feel like a rat that just ate poison. tepok.

i’m in a crisis. or it’s like a crisis but i won’t believe that i really am in one because i know that everything’s in control. it’s just that i don’t see it yet. and i’m sad because at these times one would need a friend that likely knows you a lot, maybe for a many years to help you see. but i’ve never had that and i don’t have that now. there’s just a comfort when someone gives you advice because the person personally knows you. there’s a big difference with just plain old getting advice from anyone from getting advice from someone that knows you and knows how to act and react to you.

my glasses broke. it’s very lovely.

maintain conciousness

March 8, 2005 by amadeus

i’ve been dying to get out

March 5, 2005 by amadeus

home, home where i wanted…

March 5, 2005 by amadeus

i don’t know what to think of everything that’s happened to me. i realized growing up i’ve gone through many “lives”. i’ve lived with so many different people, sometimes had only a single parent, sometimes none, sometimes one that is there but is not really there, i’ve lived with strangers who took me in their homes like i was adopted or fostered, i’ve had times where i felt like i was so different, so lost, so something. i can fit these categories but not really fit in them for the reasons that are attached to them. my parents never separated, i’ve never been fostered, never ran away, i was never kicked out, never were my parents terrible, never this and never that. yet they have happened, for the strangest reasons. well, not strangest but very irregular, something like a fraction. i’ve lived my childhood life feeling isolated, different and having the ability to see in a different perspective. though these are the things that have molded me into the person i am now i wondered what would’ve been like being “normal”.

there is a boy, and his life is the one most interesting stories i’ve ever heard. of how he was raised up and how he incepted in the world. and for a second i was quite envious of him, of how he is so graceful and anointed as to what he does how his childhood and the home he had turned him to the person who he is now. of hearing the stories of growing up and the wisdom his father directly and indirectly planted upon him. and how he’s now travelling the world now with a mission and purpose and with a book in the works. i wondered about how life would be like with regulars and stability and the security. because now i’ve realized i’ve never really had those consecutively.

life is different for each person but sometimes i really feel like i’m missing out on something everyone is doing.

but everyday is a new day. everyday is like a the sun at dawn, ever brighter than before. and i would never exchange what i went through. everyday is a new day to know something more about you. every new day is the promise i always turn to.

“you’re meant to be here.”

March 4, 2005 by amadeus

she spoke those words. it took a while to process in my mind. those words floating in my brain thinking how it’s going to connect. it did after five seconds. what surprised me was that it did not surprise me. i did not step back. no thoughts of retaliation. no defenses with tellings of where my heart is at and that it’s scattered everywhere. because it’s not. it’s all right here. there were no stories of how things were. atleast no stories that have heart in them anymore. only memories stored in drawers upon drawers that really don’t mean anything anymore. sure they store emotions but they’re things of the past of emotions, of past things, just meant to look back on and not study and dwell on them. and she was right. i was meant to be here. she was right. she was right.

46637

February 27, 2005 by amadeus

i walked out of the house yesterday early in the morning. the sun is up already but the moon was also. just from it’s fullness it still looked whole. it watched me as i walked down the street. night and day faded away.

unveiled faces reflect

February 18, 2005 by amadeus

everyday is a complete challenge. a complete surrender. everyday the dead tries to rise. the choices, to unbury or put more dirt on top. everyday is a decision. everyday is a renewing of the mind. everyday is a reconstruction. every new day i pray it’ll be like the dawn, ever brighter than the last second. into likeness of.

there’s nothing better than watching it with a friend

February 14, 2005 by amadeus

i rode the train with my friend hanna today. almost everyday i have a friend to go home with and i quite enjoy it. we got out of the train station which was around four stories up parallel to epifino de los santos avenue about to go down the stairs we saw the sunset. (she saw it first actually.) it was red and huge. it blinked as jeepneys passed by in front from the overpass across of us.

my stronghold, my deliverer, my shield, in whom i take refuge…

February 12, 2005 by amadeus

still restless but nothing beats being in the house of the lord. weekends excite me because i am there at church. today out of pure laziness a friend and i got off at a farther station to go to church and ride a bus that stops in front of the mall (where our church is) instead of getting off at the closer station because if we got off there we’d have to walk a bit, just a bit. such lazy bumpkins. pretty exciting getting to know more and having relationships with spiritual family. it is what is getting me through.

you are my strength and my song…

i trust in you alone to give me rest

February 10, 2005 by amadeus

lately, i’ve been avoiding the house that i am living in and the people that inhabit it. i feel tired and yesterday i slept at eight o’clock at night. the earliest i have ever slept. i don’t even eat in this house. i dislike sometimes the feel of this house, like it’s not even a home. maybe it’s just me. maybe i’m just isolating myself. maybe because i don’t like it when people in this house talk about me to other people like they know me when they’re barely touching a snowflake on the iceberg. rest rest rest. you scream but you never come. i tried to hide in the secret places but i can’t seem to find it lately.

of prophets and complacents

February 6, 2005 by amadeus

“

i’m going to fix your confession. sometimes your confession is, ‘that will not happen. i’m sure that will not happen to me, but that can happen to other people.’ but says the lord that fix your confession, for indeed i am willing to bring that word into your heart if you are willing. sometimes you’ve asked yourself: ‘is it okay to dream big dreams? is it okay to dream for the stars?’ but if you fix your confession and say to yourself: ‘if it can happen to others that surely that will happen to me.’ i am willing to bring my word into your heart and make that word a reality, for indeed is anything too impossible for me? is anything too impossible for me?

”

smiles with dissapearing eyes and tiny hands

January 31, 2005 by amadeus

i started a nice friendship with a little boy named hugo. he’s one of my students for kids church that i serve monthly. it’s just amazing how a lot of kids just easily trust me and just talk to me like they know me. (it was my first time in their class, i was subbing for another person). and they’ll start telling you like they just turned four or they’re going to have a new sibling soon. hugo stuck out, he spoke great and clear english and speaks well conversation wise. if he was over five feet tall and not four years old, he’d probably be a good friend. it’s amazing how much you can learn from kids. some people think that kids are a waste of time or it’s lot’s of labor but to me they’re the future. it’s amazing to be part of that.

with all this said i realized i miss having the kids i use to play with and take care of. the ones i carried and held hands with as we walked across the streets. or picked the flower from magnolia tree or drop rocks in holes because they think there were fishies at the bottom and giving them piggy back rides and spinning them around and them completely trusting me even though all i have of them were their tiny hands.

over the bridge

January 25, 2005 by amadeus

last morning as i was commuting to go to the train the jeepney that went out from our subdivision was of going to a different route, that of it’s destination: quiapo, nevertheless it passes by my stop. the problem was that i was completely sleepy that time. unlike my typical jeepney rides, my stop is the last stop so if ever we’re at the destination i can get waken up. this morning i completely fell asleep and completely missed my stop. i found it quite funny.

lately all i can keep on thinking about are parts of movies and today i just thought of a pretty awesome opening. that of music and blind people and the eerie sound of like nancy sinatra like in kill bill. how exciting! you just have to wait for it when it comes on screen! but likely majority won’t get it because it is of filipino relevancy.

i really want to shoot a short because i have this really cute idea. did i just say cute? i’ve been watching too many korean movies as of late and my term: cute. anyways, i wish that our trains looked better and that we could bring cameras in there. and maybe get rid of all those ugly ads that’s everywhere of things that only probably would get sold because an actor or actress is stapled next to the product. hah.

i’m basically half-awake (or half-asleep) right now and i don’t know if all these i’m typing makes sense. one thing i know for sure is that all my classes this term is boring and all i want to do is sleep all day.

distances written on a ticket

January 21, 2005 by amadeus

nothing’s perfect.

outmanœuvred

January 18, 2005 by amadeus

it’s been a while…

itadakimasu!

January 16, 2005 by amadeus

eating to me is a celebration of life. jesus talked to his disciples over passover to commemorate the past and make a new covenant, one that will give us life. eating with friends is one of the most happiest things it is celebrating life, all of ours, and it’s where we experience each other. we intake of each other and we celebrate the entwinement of each one to each.

i love eating with families of a different culture and heritage. food is such a big bridge, it serves a giant view into people’s lives. my friends celebrated james’ birthday yesterday and he happens to be japanese american. james’ mommy made all the food and majority of it from scratch. veggie sticks with miso dip, tonkatsu, pan fried pot stickers, and sticky rice. james’ mom use the left over rice and created ume rice balls! james’ dad taught me to say itadakimasu, he tells me it means “i am about to eat with honor.” we ate our chocolate mousse cakes with chopsticks.

matters, matters, matters

January 13, 2005 by amadeus

my heart is being tugged once again. i completely forgot a piece of me was left. after half a year. i got to see my cousins again. cousins don’t even make it to what they are to me. (actually we’re not even related at all). they’re more like sisters. i grew up with them and we did so many things together and me trying to remember them all hurts. i see them once again for the first-time and i’m all quiet wondering what do i say first, what do i do first. it’s quite weirdfunnymagicalhappysadsigh.

this evening got a few buddy hugs from a friend and i don’t think that the person knew how much i needed those. i really needed them. i haven’t been hugged for a while for no reasons besides greetings and those are also bland and fake. what was interesting was these were instantaneous and i hardly know the person and the peculiar thing about was that they did not feel awkward at all and were very much welcomed.

i’m feeling depressed right now with the effect of these matters. i know this has been in the back of my head but it’s now on top and burning. what relationships i have now with people don’t compare to what i have had. it’s sad and i don’t mean to compare and not that i want to replace what relationships i have now because they are such a blessing, but i’m missing the such things a lot.

isaiah lvii.vi

January 5, 2005 by amadeus

it’s midnight and i’m starting school once again tomorrow morning. as i was lying in bed i thought of all the things i did today and the screw-ups and the not-thinkings and it felt like my head was expanding and getting bigger and more troubles in my head come to mind. then i remember words i read that comforted me. “i know what i’m doing. i have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

i’m going to be doing something for a week, but it’s a secret. i don’t want to say because i don’t want to sound like i’m boasting. this whole thing will guide me and hopefully i will get a clear vision of the year to come. i expect breakthroughs and miracles. and that’s all i have to say.

49593

December 31, 2004 by amadeus

see you next year.

hello, new year

December 31, 2004 by amadeus

at six o’clock i was driving home and the main street of my village is packed with cars full of people because the sidewalks are full of vendors selling fireworks. since christmas, there has been isolated booms that were fired and it was extremely irritating. i don’t think that anyone really is celebrating the new years. it’s just some lousy excuse to get their fingers blown off. i’ll be inside watching television and in a matter of hours watch the news about how so-and-so people are in the hospital. i was muttering to myself in the car, complaining about all the noise and the smoke that’s going to be in our area in a matter of hours. also, i promised that i’m going to get out of the metro for the next new year.

i turned to the corner of my street and we saw fireworks go in the air. it’s only six o’clock. i want to leave.

the dying year

December 28, 2004 by amadeus

i can say pretty easily that this year has gone by fast without thinking. it’s always the saying, the thought. i’m thinking, looking back, dreaming about it, and this year is one of the most significant and longest years of my life. every moment, every minute, seconds burns into the eyes remembering the small stories, the small events, the little details the make up this vast amount of days this year. they felt like they happened last week, or a few days ago and i look back and be amazed that they were long ago. life was and is continuously being beautiful at moments we feel like it is and at moments we feel like it’s not.

dying is not sad, it’s something to look forward to to what lies ahead.

entries from the blackbook

December 25, 2004 by amadeus

it’s six o’clock and i’m staring out into the ocean waiting for the sun to come out. [i'm sitting in a hut that basically consists of a giant bed and a roof all made of bamboo.] the sky is of fading colors of oranges, yellow, little green, blues and purples. the fishermen are awake and are already out at sea. it’s six o’clock and i’m waiting for the sun to come out.

dec 23, 2004

45166

December 24, 2004 by amadeus

i’ve been gone for a while. merry christmas.

“it’s lonely up here”

December 19, 2004 by amadeus

autopsies

December 18, 2004 by amadeus

self examination of myself has show that i’m a giant hypocrite. i have giant fifty-feet telephone poles in both my eyes while i’m thinking of other people with the splinters in theirs. funny how this action is unselfish.

i’ve falling and falling and falling. feeding monsters on the way. taking care of them and letting them grow. letting them walk by my side. abandoning the one that carries me on thousand sands. everyday i kill him and everyday he’s glad to do it. there are days i forget him. (though he never forgets me.) i’m such a fool. i’m such a fool. i’m such a fool.

being human is such folly. (please forgive me.)
it is not an excuse. you became one and overcame.
teach me how to breathe.

while sitting idle…

December 8, 2004 by amadeus

i just realized the funniest thing about this season. here i am waiting for my second christmas and under that awaiting for my first christmas when i realized that this is actually going to be my third christmas.

(how sad.)
. .. … …. …..

last morning i woke up from the most vivid dream i’ve had in months. it seems like everytime it’s a vivid dream it’s in the same place. or the same world. the sky is bluer. the nights are dark but you still feel you can touch the blue in it. the trees bring a shade of green. i can’t explain it but i do believe i do dream in color. (i know it’s not possible.) i had a road trip with a person i didn’t really know and it was quite intersting. i took lots of photos. and we were suppose to go to some spot where there were a million tiny islands with lots of trees that were big and that the trees from different islands touched each other. it was like there were streams going in all sorts of directions each one crossing paths. the water was peaceful though and not moving. i was expecting that place. i’ve been there before in my dreams and i was hoping to see it again and in my mind in the dream i was expecting it. i woke up though before we ever made it. i wished that the photos were real.

i commuted home today feeling lost. i had to take a different route and it felt quite good. i had to walk a few again to my house and the sky was clear and it was nice that i can see atleast fifty stars in the sky. the wind was nice. i sat on our part of the side walk and just sat there with the candy colored lights behind me hanging in our plants. i just sat and prayed in mysteries because i was lost for words.

standing on the edge of me

December 6, 2004 by amadeus

this is how i feel.

right. now.

where i wanted to grow

December 1, 2004 by amadeus

i can’t help but feel that the epitome of this whole holiday season here are those plastic christmas trees people have in their homes.

this christmas i’m going away from this whole place and i’m going see waterfalls and beaches, a night sky that when you make a square with your fingers and look up through it you wouldn’t be able to count the stars inside that box. i’m going to watch strange skies and befriend them. i’m really hoping that all these will be true. i’m really hoping to get away from here.

i’ve been day dreaming and wandering lately. more of the latter.

i don’t know about you but how can you know yourself when you don’t know where your home is. (home is where the heart is). are you missing your heart?

my dreams

November 29, 2004 by amadeus

my godbrother and niece. they kept trying to catch the baby chickens. we stayed in a house where the closest store was a fifteen minute drive. my uncle bought a house in nevada as a fulfillment of his childhood dreams of living in an open place and hunt. the days are hot and the nights are cold. there’s an endless road and i think i can stay awake and watch the stars all night.
.

.
.
today was a nice day. it has all the feelings of the holidays i know. the streets were almost empty. the air was fresh. it was windy. no sun. all i needed to see were colored trees to make it feel like home. even though i had to run around and do errands, walk in the rain with a faulty umbrella, i loved every moment of it.

christmas season is getting bigger and bigger and i can’t help but think of all the things i use to do. movies on christmas day. opening presents. sleepovers. noche buenas. hot chocolate. fire places. cold nights. i miss it all. my second christmas here is fast approaching and i can’t help but feel that i’m still waiting for the first one to come.

who we are. what we will be. who are you?

November 27, 2004 by amadeus

there are all these things i want to tell you. i want to tell you so many things. i know you’re looking and searching. i also know that deep inside you know where truth lies. but we avoid it. as we are creatures born from darkness. i don’t know why in languages the word “born” is related to the action of being presented to the light when in truth we are presented to darkness. coming from the womb we carry the curses of our forefathers all the way to the first curse we brought upon ourselves. being these creatures born from the dark we hate the light. we know where the light is but we avoid and and search for ways in which where we can walk in paths of shadows.

going back to truth. it’s here. and i wish i can just give it to you but it’s going to be a slap in the face. it’s been done to me and when it’s hit me i didn’t take it. i avoided it and i couldn’t believe it. but when you come around and accept it and intake it internally, change comes. truth turns us to new creatures. changing from glory to glory. and in the end process we’ll love the light and we will no longer burn from it but we will gather strength from it. truth gives us strength. we’ll realize the places we’ve lived before was nothing quite with where we are now. those places were just empty, the lackof, the void. i’m not saying it’s a snap. it’s quite hard as that the old creature tries to come out of the grave. but every step we take in the light is a step forward.

it’s hard, i wish i can just tell you but i think we are still in terms that if i would slap you in the face you would never look or talk to me again.

i’m leaving soon you know…

November 23, 2004 by amadeus

(the pilot knows where it’s at.)

“it is such a secret place…”

November 23, 2004 by amadeus

secret places. this place is quiet and i want to tell you where it is at but it’s too obvious and it is such a given to just say it directly. it’s been quiet. i’ve been quiet. i’d be nice if everything else is quiet. i’m sorry it’s how i’m doing things right now and i’m sorry it’s affecting you. time is still out to get me.

(look for the pilot. he likes to draw animals.)

(i still think time is out to get me though)

November 18, 2004 by amadeus

days haven’t been going well. from relationships to school to being homesick. today has been an interesting day and it’s nice to have ended nice. for the first time i noticed my brain functioning as i was asleep this morning. (i was figuring out algorithms). i found out i was one of the highest that scored in my hardest class’s exam. i had a nice stroll a night time in uncrowded streets. i sat by myself in a café reading the screwtape letters by c. s. lewis. i like this book very much and i love the typography and how the lower case ‘e’ is a bit taller than the other lower case letters. i had a nice conversation with mother on the drive home. i watched a television show all about traditional crafts and i plan to one day do them. i want to make ceramic items again. i want to be an apprentice to the tradition of japanese indigo dyeing.

this has been my motivation as of late:

when everything inside me look likes everything i hate.

you are the hope i have for change.

you are the only chance i’ll take.

“on fire”, switchfoot

the period of time during which something continues

November 17, 2004 by amadeus

waking up early in the morning has been a struggle for me for the past few days. maybe weeks already. (i haven’t been keeping track.) going to school consist of me trying to sleep while standing up in a sardine packed train with my hands up. it always fails. a few blinks and i’m at my exit. a few blinks in reality aren’t a few blinks and they are the exact opposite but they feel at one part having long duration while at the same time expiring fast. rides home are times of sleep also and every time almost missing my stop.

i want to hibernate but there are things mandated that i cannot just simply dismiss. i don’t really want face anyone because i’m just going to be a failure wishing that something was there when there’s nothing. i’m a fool because every time i meet i always wish there was something.

i’m just tired and i just want to sleep.

going home

November 6, 2004 by amadeus

i stuck my head out of the tricycle and smelled the fresh after-rain air. the wind felt good hitting my face. i stuck one of my arms out too. i got off and had to walk down to my house. the air felt wet, but in a good, non-heavy way. the lights of the neighborhood and the street lamps gave a soft blurry glow. i lifted my arms perpendicular to myself while walking down my street. the breeze is so good. breathe in deep. breathe out. i didn’t want to make to my house yet.

centrifical force

November 5, 2004 by amadeus

the first day brought with it a sweet cold breeze and it flowed in my room as i was lying on my bed dreaming. i had no school. the following days brought nice soft rains and once hard rains. the sun has disappeared today and i got to wear a jacket.

tomorrow marks two years. two years of spinning, stopping andof founding. i’m walking towards the center and the world is getting slower and everything doesn’t seem like a blur like when i was clinging on the edge of the spinning disk. i wouldn’t want anything better that being in center of his will.

it’s november.

you’re all i need

October 27, 2004 by amadeus

i love it when the world is spinning and my head is flying in different directions in different speeds and i can’t catch a thought; he’s there and he just says, “hey, i just want to sit next to you.” i just stop everything. and there’s that silence where i know it’s just him and me. in silence. in peace. in delight.

a lot of things has been going through my head this week and the past and i love just getting reminded.

walking on dry land

October 22, 2004 by amadeus

everything i think about writing about the past and everything now feels like nothing. i think of the things i could do and can’t do and my head is up there in the sky somewhere. all i do everyday is wake up and go to school and go home. i like riding the trains. i like watching people’s eyes go from left to right over and over again as they focus on an object moving away, and do it again, and do it again, and do it again.

i went to out with friends, it was beatles night at the 70’s bistro. my eyes hurt so much from the smoke. it’s like when you try to stare at the sun or when you wake up in the morning by the light of the sun and you try to open your eyes but you just can’t. great songs, great people, good food, bad smoke. i smelled the worst that i’ve ever had coming out of a bar.

charles oswald chambers is inspiration to me:

walking on water is easy to impulsive pluck, but walking on dry land as a disciple of jesus christ is a different thing.

monday was a bad day and there i days i forget i’m not living for myself and i fell. it doesn’t really matter what happened at the time of the fall but what you do once you get up. to be honest turning around is hard and things are still in my peripheral vision and i can’t help but look at them and not just quickly turn around. i’m getting there…

native americans

October 13, 2004 by amadeus

i remember when i was a little boy, barely three maybe, i woke up in the morning and everyone else was waking up also. i went up to my dad and i asked him if he had dreamed of anything. he then replied, “i dreamed of… one, little two, little three little indians…” and he starts singing the whole indian song. i just remember really being amused and i sang along with him excitedly.

i miss those simple times. i miss that i can smile so easily. i’ve noticed i’ve lost that.

genesis 5:24

October 13, 2004 by amadeus

i start the day wrong everyday. with an alarm clock. routines have made me do this. i’m tired of it. i’m annoyed of it. i’m sick of it. i want the first thing i do when i wake up is to see god and delight in him just like adam did when he first opened his eyes.

there are times where i just feel everything, everything that is everything. i love the silence. i love the peace. i love that it’s just god and me. i just love getting lost in him.

i just want to get lost in him…

sunsets in manila

October 7, 2004 by amadeus

i stayed at school up to five o’clock. i got out of the room then the building. normal day it seemed, the sun was setting, it was dim. everything seemed normal until i got out to open space and saw that the main building was bathed in an orange-pink color where it was suppose to be white. the sun was setting and it wasn’t a normal day. it rained for a while before and the clouds still layed in the sky reflecting the colors of the setting sun.

i went up to the train station. it was a better view from there. you can actually see the sun from that point of view.

i got into the train and the speakers spoke in the typical filipino accent, “nix stap bwendia”. i rode away staring into the sky.

my dear october,

October 3, 2004 by amadeus

another fall has come. well, it doesn’t come in this country. i miss the thick jackets, the scarves and the hoods. the red noses, the clasping of hands and blowing warmth onto them. i miss the slight sting of the wind as it hits my face. i miss driving down the roads and seeing you change the tree’s colors. oh october, old feelings don’t come because all you are now is a description of time. i miss the emotions, the feelings, the stirrings, the air i breathe. i wish to see you again because this cardboard stand replacement of you is stale and i want to crumple it to pieces.

i really miss you. when will i see you again?

(i hope soon.)

visions

September 24, 2004 by amadeus

i feel so tired. i want to sleep for a hundred years. i really hope sleep will do me good. it’s sad to realize that i don’t have any real relationships with people. i lie down in my room and close my eyes and pretend there are stars above me because the real sky is filled with pollution. even the moon has been fuzzy lately.

i want to get lost in the stars. i want to feel so tiny and yet feel infinite.

40200

May 1, 2004 by amadeus

i go through the day not feeling right all the time. something’s missing. i pause and repeat words again wondering if they actually make sense because sometimes words become meaningless to me. sometimes everything doesn’t seem right and i wonder what if i was the emptiness, the vacuum that holds the entire universe. i don’t know. i really don’t know what to think anymore. there is only one thing i know for sure. that my name is amadeus.

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